Saturday, November 1st, 2014

A calmer you: say this to a guy at your own risk

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It’s time to look at what can get a guy all flared up in no time. Alright boys of the world, I’m on your side this week. After you graciously accepted what I wrote last week about things you should never, ever, say to a woman, I’ve got to talk about what women say that makes you feel like banging your head on the wall. A lot of you have mailed me suggestions out of your own experience and it’s interesting to see that men from Bahrain to Bhatinda can’t stand to hear the same things, but their girlfriends or wives refuse to oblige. Let’s look at what tops the no-go territory when it comes to your guy.

A calmer you say this to a guy at your own risk
1. We need to talk: You want to see your man run away faster than Usain Bolt? Utter these four words and see him magically disappear. Men claim any such ‘talk’ about the relationship always ends in emotional outbursts, tears and no solution. They are right. You see, men are genetically incapable of handling a woman’s tears and they behave in weird ways when confronted by them. Just because you’ve read relationship articles by fancy shrinks that say you should ‘talk out a problem’, it doesn’t mean that your man has suddenly become capable of handling lengthy conversations about how he doesn’t love you as much as he used to. I’m not anti-communication. By all means talk, but why announce it in a scary way and set the alarm bells ringing in his head?
2. You are a mommy’s boy: Aha. Tell me girl, If you have suicidal tendencies, why don’t you sit on bed of grenades and light agarbattis all around? Why bring his mother into every conversation and watch your relationship slowly kill you. He’s as touchy about mom as you may be about gender-equality. . ,and no woman leaves an opportunity to hint it if she can. You want peace in life? Just stop comparing yourself with his mother and remove the suspicion from your mind that he does it either. Someday, you’ll also be a mom to someone in a relationship, and a positive attitude would come in handy.

3. Look at your friends: It’s tricky to say anything about the friends in your man’s life. Don’t like them and he gets mad. Like them a lot and … err … you know what I’m saying. So you are doomed either way. But going on and on about how his friends are either useless, or are way better than him in terms of being more successful or more caring etc is guaranteed to get fireworks. Avoid comparison, avoid arguments. Period.

4. You always___and you never___: Fill anything in these blanks and your guy will hate to hear it. The problem with us women is that we are too quick to generalise. We don’t stick to the specific argument at hand and start passing judgment on the very personality of our boyfriend or husband by using terms like ‘always’ and ‘never’. And yeah, another term to avoid like plague is ‘anymore’. This is how you say it — ‘you don’t love me anymore. You don’t buy me flowers anymore. You don’t listen to me anymore’. This is how he hears it — ‘blah blah, blah blah, blah blah.’ Blah.
5. Have you been losing hair?: Haww … did you actually say it? Why didn’t you die before you did? Remember that hair is to men what weight is to women. Take a pledge and repeat after me. I-will-never-tell-a-man-he’s-going-bald. Alright? Now take a deep breath and listen. All men want a full crop on their head. Yes, even Rakesh Roshan does. When they can’t get it for some reason, they get into all sorts of things — transplant, shave-off, depression. Don’t add to the misery by ‘lovingly’ pointing out a receding hairline to your guy. He already knows it. He’s been crying in front of the bathroom mirror for two hours everyday. And yep, the same goes for pointing out a beer belly. Girls think ‘tumhara pet nikal raha hai’ is a cute sentence. Guys think girls should be sentenced for this.

Sonal Kalra is starting a relationship counselling service. She’ll announce the date the moment she gets back on talking terms with her husband.

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