Category Archives: Men and Women

A Calmer You: Abki baar, careful yaar

Ma’am mujhe phir se sachcha pyaar ho gaya hai,’ writes Mukundan Dixit. He sends me a mail whenever he falls in ‘true love’. He sends me a mail every two months. I have several problems with Mukundan. To start with, he should remove either the first two letters or the last two letters from his name, because, you know, you can’t force-mix two perfectly valid names to produce something that requires your lips to form an awkward circular shape, each time you call out.

A Calmer You Abki baar careful yaar

Maybe, just maybe, this ­awkwardness is not letting sachcha pyaar stay on in his life for long. Who knows. Vaise who knows what sachcha pyaar is, in the first place. I don’t. Mukundan certainly doesn’t. Half of the young janta reading this column right now and texting their ‘steady’ ones from the other hand don’t. Most of us latch on to the first relationship that seems ­reasonably okay to us, and try to squeeze-fit it into the sachcha pyaar mould. Which is actually not a bad thing, considering that relationships are meant to be a lot about accepting and adapting. But then anything you squeeze too much, bursts out after a while. Science ka kuchh funda hota hai, so don’t ask me why.

So Mukundan and others like him, stay in a perpetual quest for true love and send mails to velle columnists like me, who themselves may be going through shit in life but never lose an opportunity to shell out advice just because they are perceived as experts. Well then, Muku, here’s what I think. Relationships being a very personal thing and all that, I probably can’t tell you who to opt for, but I can sure tell you what kind of a person to NOT go for. And since I don’t know or care which way you swing, this advice is gender-neutral. Run the latest candidate of your sachcha pyaar through these five moulds. And if she/he doesn’t fit in either, hang on in this relationship. And do not send me another mail so soon.

1 The unapologetic: A relationship in which only one person is always seen apologising is the most doomed of all to not be happy. An unapologetic partner – boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, is always trying to tell you that all that’s wrong is your fault. The partner who gets used to apologising for everything so that fights and arguments can be avoided, is actually getting used to slowly killing his/her self-esteem. And that, is never good in life. Close your eyes and recall the last time your partner said sorry to you over something. No matter whose fault it was. If what flashes before you are visuals only of yourself pleading and apologising, it’s time to open the eyes. Literally and otherwise.

2 The polar opposite: Yeah, I know ‘the opposites attract’ theory but if only life was till the stages of attraction. Life actually begins when the attraction settles down. And it is here that similarities matter way more than differences. I’ve seen people gloating about how they and their partners are like north-south poles, completely different, and yet so synchronised, and that adds spice to their lives. It’s absolutely great if it works for them, but in most cases, the extra spice starts to choke you, if you know what I’m saying. There isn’t too much distance to travel between ‘I LOVE my boyfriend’s shy nature’ to ‘Oh God, kuchh bolta hi nahi hai’ to ‘I can’t stay with him, he has complex issues.’ Don’t look for a replica of yourself in another gender, but don’t also fall for one who you share absolutely no common interests with. That’s two lives wasted. We are quick to match horoscopes even in this day and age. How about a compatibility quiz as annexure?

3 The non committal: A person who keeps hanging you in the lurch for small or big decisions is not just not respecting you enough, but also giving subtle hints that the relationship itself may not matter enough to them. I get countless mails from young people who are stuck in a ‘I love him/her but they say we are only good friends’ stage. Yes, not everyone is as proficient in moving on as Kundan and normal people need time to take decisions about committing but if for months or years, someone is just giving you the ‘let us explore where this goes’ line, they are bullshitting and you should know it. Now puhleez, don’t you go ‘But, I can’t take her out of my mind’ on me. Devdaas dekhne ko maine kaha thaa? Move on. There are Madhuri Dixits waiting ahead. (PS: Mukundan Dixit, this advice is not applicable to you)

4 The Unequal: You know, I have no regard for differences of caste, culture, religion, age, race etc when it comes to love. As long as the two people share a certain common value system that they imbibed while growing up. If there’s way too much inequity in the very socio-economic set-up two people grow up in, it takes its toll on a relationship. Bollywood films that show a coolie falling for a multi-millionaire’s daughter or TV documentaries about an American tourist marrying an illiterate farmer in an Indian village, make for an interesting watch, but perhaps not a very practical life. Anyway, I might be incorrect and also sachcha pyaar may be above all these differences, but I see no harm in keeping the ears open in case alarm bells about a wide inequity between you and your crush are somewhere ringing in the background. Do you?

5 The guilt-giver: This kind of a partner will ruin your life. Almost surely. A person who claims to love you but consistently makes you feel like a loser is not just being consciously or subconsciously manipulative, but is also distorting the very idea of what’s right or wrong, in your head. Sample this mail I got yesterday from a 16-year-old in Indore: “I and my boyfriend love each other too much. On the day he proposed, he made me promise that I won’t talk in a friendly way to any other boys in the class. I always kept my promise but last week when a boy commented on my FB post, I replied back with a smiley, and exchanged two comments with him. I have been feeling horrible ever since and I confessed to my BF. He shouted at me and says he wants to break-up as I’ve broken his trust. How do I tell him I’ll never repeat the mistake?” Well my dear Indore-girl, yes there is a grave mistake in your life. Sadly, you’ve not written his name. Need I say more?

Sonal Kalra is writing a ‘how to find sachcha pyaar for dummies’ guide. Any publishers interested?

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Together or happily together

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There I am sitting in my office with a colleague and friend of mine listening to her over and over again about her latest relationship issue with her boyfriend. As she is telling me about the umpteenth time about how her boyfriend kept a secret from her that he had a fling with a girl around eight years ago before even meeting my friend. As she pines on about how she is feeling betrayed and offended by his behaviour I take a few moments to look at our new trending relationships. I feel that there has been a massive change in the sense of the word ‘Relationship’. Be it couples, friends or families….Now with a modern lifestyle, a pressurizing multinational job, a home and a family to take care of our ways of dealing with relationship hues and blues have changed. Or have they? It has become more and more difficult to stay happy and contented. But most of the times we are the only ones to create the illusion of unhappiness in a smooth life. Let’s take a look at a few things on which our relationships are based.

happily together

Honesty…*!#$@#!? Yes Dear

What meaning does the term honesty hold to you? Apart from being truthful about the basic things in our lives there is a fine line in being honest and preventing a heart-break or an argument. Are you honest to your husband or boyfriend that you were dream looking at that greek god kind of guy in the mall who oh.. by the way was also helping in shopping for his girlfriend. Uhgghh! So jealous! While your better half was trying to figure out which pant size he has grown into. Or do you tell them that you would rather be watching ‘Himmatwala’ than going bowling with him, his friends and their show-off wives. Oh and to be honest ‘Himmatwala’ also needs a whole new level of courage to sit through!

And now over to the men. Do you guys ever muck up the guts to say it to your girlfriend or wife that she still looks the same even after spending ten hours at the parlour and the amount of money by which you could have gladly bought a new lazy boy chair for you. Now that would have been beautiful. Isn’t it? And yes do you remember the time when you had gone to a wedding and your girl got mad with the fact that you were staring at that hot bod girl in a saree with the flat stomach (That b*@#ch! Don’t they ever eat anything?) And you got away with an excuse that she looked anorexic! Of course a little plump girl also looks cute…Who needs to be with a flat board anyway!….So whatever our reasons to be honest of this ‘kind’ they sure can come helpful when trying to save yourself the trouble of getting in an ugly place in your relationship or better..to stay happy in it.

Love…The wow word

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of love? Is it a typical romantic Hollywood movie which you saw and wanted it to come true with flowers, chocolates, kisses and mushiness or the kind of love which can actually stay alive for a very long time in reality. In the starting phase of our relationship we really do enjoy the pampering and the attention which slowly fizzles out and you realise that now you are not boggling your brains out about which dress you should wear to your evening date rather you are quizzed about which is the best and safe money investment plan which can be helpful for your future.

But are we not missing out on a few details here. Why do you think your wife cooks your favourite ‘gajar ka halwa’ and ‘kheer’ every second day when she doesn’t even has a sweet tooth? Or why doesn’t she ever fail to keep your lucky blue shirt all washed and ironed before your every big presentation. And girls why do you think that your husband always switches on the hot water in the morning before you have to get up and start working on your day. He didn’t remember Valentine’s day but still somehow never forgets to give you your vitamins every day. Aren’t these the kinds of things which make us feel loved and cared of? Sure we all have a very busy life but we need to take a moment and notice that love doesn’t always need to be a Mills & Boon novel but hey….it’s not that bad either.

Space…Yeah. We all need it.

Now, I think you know what I am talking about. But still I am going to take the liberty of explaining it for some of us who are alien to this concept. Come on ladies I’ll talk to you first. Do you like it when your husband or boyfriend calls you every thirty minutes to ask how you are? What are you doing? Where and with whom are you? Yes I know it makes you go crazy. So why don’t you too give your spouse a little break from this. Whenever he goes out with his guys or even at home sometimes you need to just let him be. You have to stop nagging about every single little thing that you told them to do but he didn’t or forgot to. Sometimes all you need to do is to enjoy each other’s company and let each other breathe…(You can do a little bit of nagging later…I know work just doesn’t happen without it either!)

And guys you also need to know that your girl also needs a little time off. Do you know how many things are going on in their head? You don’t even think as much in two days that she covers in an hour! Let her also get off the wheel and relax. I’m going to spare you from recounting the list of her side of work and activities (You’re welcome.)

Talking…Hmmm.

The last thing which I would like to conclude in our discussion is talking. Well we girls sure have a master’s degree in it but I am not talking about the gossips in which we include our men. Like the latest piece of jewellery your neighbour was wearing or how you think you have gained weight (sniff!..touchy topic). But you know I can go on and on. And boys we girls aren’t exactly interested in your hours long discussion about sports or business talk either. Some of these topics just fly over our head!

What I mean to say is that sometimes we just forget to say things that hold much importance than these. Like telling your wife who is exhausted from her hectic day that how much you appreciate her and love her. (Yes..We love to hear it). And girls I know your guy can be a great listener (sometimes with a blank expression) but you got to give him a chance to be able to open up to you. Just let him know that if something is bothering him you are also there for him too.

So people…problems are there in everyone’s lives but we should feel lucky and thankful that we have got someone with us to get over them. It’s not exactly a perfect life but together we can make it. Hmmpfh! Now that I have spoken a lot…excuse me..i have to get back to listening to my friend.

A Calmer You: how about turning NOYB-sexual?

Not hetero, not homo, let’s all become none-of-your-business sexual.

I was aimlessly roaming about in Khan Market one evening a couple of weeks back, when two young boys called out to me. ‘Are you Sonal Kalra?’ one of them asked. When I nodded, he said, ‘We regularly read your column. And specially wanted to thank you on behalf of our friend, on whose request you wrote a column on gays around two years ago. It changed his life forever.’ They were referring to.

A Calmer You how about turning NOYB-sexualA Calmer You piece I wrote on December 3, 2011, titled ‘So your friend is gay? Big deal’. I was left very humbled that day. You see, what I write each week in this column is neither intelligent, nor important enough to change lives. Most weeks in this space, you and I laugh about inane stuff and needless, day-to-day stresses. For it to change someone’s life can at best be by fluke, so I was mighty pleased.

Also what impressed me was the confidence with which those two boys referred to their gay friend, quite in contrast to a few years back when the volume and tone of most people would subconsciously go a few notches down on switching to the topic of homosexuality. Today, as I  write this piece in light of the recent Supreme Court ruling that seems to go against the freedom and rights of gays, I feel terribly sad and sorry for that confidence. I’m sure the newspapers today are, as they have been this past week, full of intelligent, in-depth analysis against or in favour of the court ruling. I consider myself not qualified or capable enough to fully understand or decode the background or implications of the heavy duty legal terminology these laws and judgments entail. What bother me, however, are the following few questions that stress me, even as a layperson.  Do they stress you too?

 1. what’s wrong with our priorities?:  If we had been a country like Denmark or Switzerland, where the crime rates are the lowest in the world, I would have still understood the need for people to focus their energies on making laws that govern the future of human evolution. Like who will sleep with whom and whether that is amenable or detrimental to the society at large. We, my dear countrymen, belong to a nation where crimes of all nature  — some way more grave than choosing a wrong gender to express love — are rampant.

How about spending our energies in filing petitions, making laws, enforcing guidelines etc on those, so that we can aaraam se someday reach a stage where we can afford to have drawing room debates about whether guys should sleep with guys. I would hate for someone to get me wrong here and think that this is undermining the importance of such issues. Oh Puhleez, you’ve got to admit that neither homosexuals nor heterosexuals should want  — or can afford —  too much focus on issues of such personal nature at the cost of problems that affect all of us equally, like corruption, for instance. How about getting our priorities right, people?

2. what’s the obsession with sexuality, anyway?: Even though sociologists, anthropologists, criminologists and all other
kind of gists may want to kill me for trivialising this, but I’m sorry I fail to understand our never-ending interest in dictating something as private as sexuality. Whether it is homosexuals or heterosexuals, whether it is Khap Panchayats telling girls and boys of same gotra to not marry, or religious panels telling people of the same gender to not fall in love — we just seem too interested in passing guidelines about what should or shouldn’t go on in peoples’ bedrooms. Everyone seems to have turned guardian to something — traditions, religion, morality… even rights. I think valid concerns about these things should begin from the point when someone’s sexual behaviour takes even the slightest tones of being criminal or exploitative in nature. Two consenting adults, whether gay or straight, do not need your attention unless they pose a threat or harm to anyone by what they are doing. For once, can we try changing from heterosexual or homosexual to none-of-your-business-sexual (NOYBsexual)? I’m telling you, life would be so more peaceful.

3. can we drop the aggression please?:  I know this is the age of much-needed activism and God bless the change that our country is finally waking up to, but I for one am, frankly, tired of being angry. In the past few years, our collective blood pressure as a nation would have certainly gone up by a few significant points.

We are JUST. SO. ANGRY all the time. Thankfully, in a lot of issues, this anger is being channelised effectively to bring about systemic changes and reforms, but a lot of this anger is also simply spilling over the brim, turning us into generic aggrieved parties. Aggrieved about scams, aggrieved about crimes, aggrieved about system failure, aggrieved about lack of rights — like maniacs we shift our focus from one anger point to another, depending upon what topic the hyper aggressive TV debates or screaming headlines of the newspapers have chosen for you on that day.

You know how a lot of you loved watching Amitabh Bachchan as an angry young man in Deewar a few decades back? He brought forth a fresh wave of anger, which jolted a seemingly repressed society from its slumber. Now imagine having to watch the same, highly relatable, angry young man, over and over again in 30 films back to back. Zyada ho jayega nah? Jab Sunny Deol Gadar mein gussey se handpump ukhaadta hai, we all whistle and clap. If he starts to pull out handpumps in all films, our claps would go on
our foreheads. That’s what’s happening right now. Don’t go overboard in harbouring and fuelling so much stress and anger in yourself over every issue that you forget to look at small, happy things that also make up your life. Society toh chalti rahegi, but each one of us has finite number of years to live. By all means take up causes and fight for them with all the passion, but don’t forget that you owe it to yourself to consciously be a healthy blend of joyful and angry, not just the latter. Stress will anyway come on its own, happiness ko thoda dhoondna padta hai. Go look for yours today. It’ll be worth it.

Sonal Kalra feels strongly about gay rights. She also feels strongly about everyone’s right to be gay …and happy

A calmer you: say this to a guy at your own risk

It’s time to look at what can get a guy all flared up in no time. Alright boys of the world, I’m on your side this week. After you graciously accepted what I wrote last week about things you should never, ever, say to a woman, I’ve got to talk about what women say that makes you feel like banging your head on the wall. A lot of you have mailed me suggestions out of your own experience and it’s interesting to see that men from Bahrain to Bhatinda can’t stand to hear the same things, but their girlfriends or wives refuse to oblige. Let’s look at what tops the no-go territory when it comes to your guy.

A calmer you say this to a guy at your own risk
1. We need to talk: You want to see your man run away faster than Usain Bolt? Utter these four words and see him magically disappear. Men claim any such ‘talk’ about the relationship always ends in emotional outbursts, tears and no solution. They are right. You see, men are genetically incapable of handling a woman’s tears and they behave in weird ways when confronted by them. Just because you’ve read relationship articles by fancy shrinks that say you should ‘talk out a problem’, it doesn’t mean that your man has suddenly become capable of handling lengthy conversations about how he doesn’t love you as much as he used to. I’m not anti-communication. By all means talk, but why announce it in a scary way and set the alarm bells ringing in his head?
2. You are a mommy’s boy: Aha. Tell me girl, If you have suicidal tendencies, why don’t you sit on bed of grenades and light agarbattis all around? Why bring his mother into every conversation and watch your relationship slowly kill you. He’s as touchy about mom as you may be about gender-equality. . ,and no woman leaves an opportunity to hint it if she can. You want peace in life? Just stop comparing yourself with his mother and remove the suspicion from your mind that he does it either. Someday, you’ll also be a mom to someone in a relationship, and a positive attitude would come in handy.

3. Look at your friends: It’s tricky to say anything about the friends in your man’s life. Don’t like them and he gets mad. Like them a lot and … err … you know what I’m saying. So you are doomed either way. But going on and on about how his friends are either useless, or are way better than him in terms of being more successful or more caring etc is guaranteed to get fireworks. Avoid comparison, avoid arguments. Period.

4. You always___and you never___: Fill anything in these blanks and your guy will hate to hear it. The problem with us women is that we are too quick to generalise. We don’t stick to the specific argument at hand and start passing judgment on the very personality of our boyfriend or husband by using terms like ‘always’ and ‘never’. And yeah, another term to avoid like plague is ‘anymore’. This is how you say it — ‘you don’t love me anymore. You don’t buy me flowers anymore. You don’t listen to me anymore’. This is how he hears it — ‘blah blah, blah blah, blah blah.’ Blah.
5. Have you been losing hair?: Haww … did you actually say it? Why didn’t you die before you did? Remember that hair is to men what weight is to women. Take a pledge and repeat after me. I-will-never-tell-a-man-he’s-going-bald. Alright? Now take a deep breath and listen. All men want a full crop on their head. Yes, even Rakesh Roshan does. When they can’t get it for some reason, they get into all sorts of things — transplant, shave-off, depression. Don’t add to the misery by ‘lovingly’ pointing out a receding hairline to your guy. He already knows it. He’s been crying in front of the bathroom mirror for two hours everyday. And yep, the same goes for pointing out a beer belly. Girls think ‘tumhara pet nikal raha hai’ is a cute sentence. Guys think girls should be sentenced for this.

Sonal Kalra is starting a relationship counselling service. She’ll announce the date the moment she gets back on talking terms with her husband.

A Calmer You: Say this to women at your own risk

Want to stay alive? Don’t say these five things to your woman, ever. I know hundreds of articles have already been written on this subject by experts from Tokyo to Timbuktu. But before you go rolling your eyes, tell me, have the men of the world learnt? If you are among those who had a fight with their girlfriend or wife not more than 36 hours ago, you would know that they haven’t. So, I still wanna take up this lost cause in the hope that it will knock some sense in some heads, especially that of my friend Jayant, for whom the number of ‘Go To Hells’ have far exceeded the number of ‘I Love Yous’ in his romantic life.

A Calmer You Say this to women at your own risk
So, what exactly is it that men say to the female species that guarantees hell on earth? Here’s my countdown of what to avoid like plague if you wish to reach even the ‘C’ of calmness.
5You remind me of a girl I used to have a crush on’: Ha ha, think you are paying a compliment, you idiot? Any talk about your ex-classmate/collegemate/neighbour/colleague or worse yet, your ex-girlfriend or wife will accomplish only one thing — make her wonder why they still exist in your head. This is true even if you are trying to shit-talk about your ex to flatter your current partner, like ‘my ex-wife never cared for me the way you do.’ Stop, stop, stop. It won’t work. Do not bring ex-es into conversations, even if sometimes your girl may herself try to. It’s a trap honey, always backfires.
4 ‘Are you PMSing?’: If you think you are scoring a point in an argument by showing off your knowledge of female hormonal functions, God help you my friend. Don’t ask your girlfriend if she’s grumpy because she’s about to have her periods. It’ll make the argument worse, especially if she indeed is in a pre-menstrual grouchy phase. Remember, men, too, have hormonal situations of a different kind, and a discussion on those could reserve a special place in hell for you in future arguments for years to come.
3 ‘How many boyfriends have you had in the past?’: Would it make you happy if she replied, ‘seven’? Would it please you even if she said ‘just one’? Basically, the answer to this question can only take your mood in one direction — downwards. Because even if she said none, you wouldn’t actually believe her. So why do you want to know? I don’t understand this hopelessly faulty logic about starting relationships on ‘honesty and truth’. No one is asking you to lie. But why volunteer head-on into an account of past romantic misdeeds needlessly because the truth is that deep inside, you don’t really want to know.
2 Anything bad … or too good, about her friends. Calling your girlfriend’s best friend a dud may make her upset. Calling her hot will make her upset. Basically anything much that you say about her friends is treading into potential girlfriend-enraging territory. Try to lie low and not comment too much on her pals, especially those under the gender ‘female’. Every girl on this planet suffers from insecurity in varying measures, and any attempt by you to fan it will only make her tell you someday to ‘go and date that friend’ only. Avoid.
1 ‘Have you gained weight?’: You already know this, don’t you? If there is one thing worse than putting a gun in your mouth and shooting your tongue off, it’s telling your woman that she’s gotten fat. Take it from me, no matter what age, race, nationality, caste or creed your girl is, the future of your relationship will depend on how less is the time gap between her asking ‘do I look fat in this dress’ and the answer ‘no’ flying out of your mouth. Even if the scales and your eyes tell you that she’s twice as big as she used to be, this is one truth no man is allowed to acknowledge. Ever.

Sonal Kalra forgot to add ‘you can never cook like my mom’ to the list. But you know it already, don’t you? Please help in putting together a list of ‘what never to say to your man’, for next week..

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Women: Need Respect Not Reservation

Recently read an article that someone is forming a party named as AAM AADMI PARTY (AAP), the writer of the article was of the view that instead of AAM AADMI PARTY, it should be AAM AURAT PARTY (AAP), and it’s time that we should not underestimate the women power and should be provided opportunities but not in terms of reservation (I am not in favour of any kind of reservation as it is a kind of favour to the weaker class, and I genuinely feel that women is not a weaker class rather they need to stand up for their rights)

The impact of the Women power can be accessed from the recently held Presidential election in the US where in Mr. Barack Obama comes to power due to almost 55% of the women voting in favour of him. That’s Women Power. I know some of you might be thinking that what Jatin is talking about is utter rubbish, it’s the 21st century and look at me (particular girl), the kind of life I am living with all the facilities, but maybe we have narrowed our thinking to such a level that it only revolves around our self only.

‘Meri life set hai mjhe dusro se kya lena’

women-empowerment

Whenever the word ‘WOMEN EMPOWERMENT’ comes, the so called men class are so proud of them as if they have done any favour on women by providing them freedom, the opportunity of education, by providing them the chance to decide what they want to wear, what they want to eat and how they want to live. Yes, Yes everyone can take the names of Indra Nooyi, Chanda Kochchar, Kiran Shaw, Shikha Sharma, Naina Lal Kidwai, Sonia Gandhi, Sushma Swaraj and the list can continue for many more names but what we need to ask is

Are these few names representing the women class as whole in terms of WOMEN EMPOWERMENT?

We need to analyse this, once I also got a similar topic during a GD

Whether a woman should be career oriented or she is born to be a homemaker?

I don’t understand how every male becomes kung fu panda and say big big things about Women Empowerment during a GD as if he (every male) was directly responsible for providing this freedom to the women and they have fought a war for providing women with this opportunity where they can live the kind of life they wanted to and the name of the males should be taken with respect as a ‘Krantikari’.

We never talk about men empowerment because they were always free to do what they wanted to and on the other hand women were dependent on men for the basic necessities of life, so practically as men were providing them the food, clothes and shelter they treated them as slave who were responsible for doing all the work of the house and the problem was that women also accepted this role happily.

Yes the time is changing, more and more women are getting independent, they are getting out of their houses, also contributing towards the family income and I am glad that this is happening, but I have a problem with the speed of this transformation, even after more than 60 years of independence if we still have to talk about women empowerment then I think there is some serious issues which needs to be resolved.

We need to analyse Women Empowerment from two angles

1) Empowerment on an overall basis

2) Empowerment as compare to what

Empowerment on an overall basis

I live in a metropolitan city where women speak their mind, they are educated, independent and perfectly handling their personal as well as professional life. Here women class can be divided into two parts

1) The educated class and the problems faced by them.

When it comes to harassment whether it is physical, social or mental then it does not matter whether a woman is educated or not. What I feel is that the way to harass a woman is different when she is educated because she knows her right (even though she rarely use her rights) but it’s very easy to point finger at her character, to say bad things about her, we can compare this thing with the kind of rights a male have, I mean he can do anything, anytime but when it comes to woman then it’s very easy to raise questions. Still remember the episode of a programme ‘Satyamev Jayate’ in which it was shown how even the well educated women were harassed by their in-laws in which her husband was also a partner. That’s one kind of harassment.

2) The uneducated class and the problems faced by them.

We all know if a male is uneducated then it’s manageable but when a female is uneducated then it’s like hell for her specially if she belongs to a poor family. I have seen man beating his wife for no reasons, we never even tried to think the kind of life a below poverty line woman lives for the same reason as what I have to do with her life, I should better concentrate on mine. I can write many things about the women of this particular class but I think we all knows the kind of life they live if not then efforts should be made to know it at least once and they all around us.

Empowerment as compare to what

‘Mere ghar mein saare decision mere Dad hi lete hai and at the end woh jo kahe woi final hai’

We all have heard these lines many a times and there is no harm in this, I am also a believer that there should be one leader who should be competent enough to take decisions for the welfare of the family but the point what I am trying to make is that it does not matter whoever takes the decision but everyone should have the right to speak, decisions should not be imposed rather it should be taken after considering the point of view of everyone in the family. Why to go outside, it happened with my mother when she wanted to do something but could not because my father was not in favour of that. Yes, I am not talking about those lucky women who got this right, it’s good that you are fortunate but everyone is not. Another point is about the character about which I already wrote in the above paragraph. At the end of the day it’s very easy to put blame on women for anything. Recently heard a line

“UNFORTUNATELY” We live in a society that teaches women to be careful not to get “RAPED” instead of teaching men “NOT TO RAPE”….

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When Multi-Tasking Becomes MAL-ti-tasking

Perhaps innumerable times, it has become the apt basis for heating up arguments between woman and man that which gender is more capable of doing multitasking in the most efficient manner.

But before you gals and guys out there, start raising their eyebrows and arming your minds by collecting every trivial detail about gender based corpulent allegations, I would quickly like you to know that my post revolves around a completely different point. Don’t you think that we humans have a very weird habit of start judging things (be it food or a post), just after having a few morsels.

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Here I am talking about women, who are considered as “Woe to Men” by many (Relax, I am strictly talking about the married ones and those having annoying and demanding girlfriends).

Generally it is considered that women are more capable of managing several tasks together, although in my opinion, it entirely depends on the person. This thought related to female proficiency in multitasking originated from an age old phenomenon. It was based on the fact that in earlier times, males were the sole bread earner, they used to go out while females back at home were used to shuttle endlessly between household chores, children and kitchen. Their Majboori” became their “Ability” to multitask.

Anyways, multitasking often becomes Mal-ti-tasking. And believe me this damn MAL-ti-tasking never spares either of the gender. This habit of doing several tasks together can yield disasters and leaves you empty handed.

When women wake up in the morning their minds automatically start prioritizing all the pending work of the day that they have to deal with. They instantly rush into it and try to do all things at one go. And they end up frustrated and tired. Till the end of the day most of the work they aimed at in the morning is almost completed but they get so drained up that they are not even in the state of appreciating their efforts and feeling happy and satisfied with their performance.

The point is that despite of this entire goof up, why women always try to multitask. Reasons for this are very clear.

  • Women think that all the household chores are only “their” responsibility. (Hope those men who would be and are married won’t sue me for this, yes go and help the ladies out there, believe me it won’t hurt you).
  • Women think that, only they can do all the work perfectly. (It’s a misconception lady, men is equally good at it, try them out, ;))
  • They hesitate to ask for help. They think that they will be blamed for seeking help from others. Don’t pay heed on such crap.
  • They think that only they are responsible for everything related to the home (even if they go out to work), and consider themselves as the key person in home management. But surely what two wheels together can do, can never be done by a single one.

When you try to do multiple tasks at one go, that only results in lesser quality and more quantity, in comparison to what you get on focusing on individually on each task. You lose your concentration and the hence a satisfactory outcome is compromised. Never hesitate in saying “I need help”. If necessary you can take help from outside too. And last but surely not the least,  don’t forget to “Take Rest”.

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“So kyon Manda Aakhiye Jit Jame Rajaan” – Daughter India

Memories of past have not gone stale, the agony is still so fresh, mind is not yet relieved, sleep is too far from eyes, felons are mocking at me – But I am alert, concentrating on my prowess, and prepared to deal with whosoever tries to come my way to belittle me or harm me. I am ready to take a stand and raise my voice – loud and louder – passing forward a clear notion – “Dare not ignore my significance in your being as human”.

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I have wasted my sweat for your upbringing, have nurtured you, have sacrificed my interests to get your desires fulfilled, have made every minute contribution required for you sound survival and growth. I have been “Mother India” for long.

But you never thought of paying me back what I deserved. You could never see a woman in me, and you forgot that every woman has so many incarnations.

You killed me in womb in the first place; deprived me of my rights if somehow, you allowed me to take birth; sold me for dowry – I shouted, cried, but tolerated.

But you molested me, raped me, and killed me – Beyond my acceptance and tolerance. You did not even notice that I am a 5 year old, so young to be even called a lady.

How can you forget that you did all these ill-doings with your “Daughter India”? How can your foundation be so fragile? How can you get the morals go dumped so easily for a fractional sensation, which you call ‘Pleasure’? You became incestuous.

The harm which has been caused to me has prompted me learn my powers and made me formidable enough to teach you lesson. And there are so many who are standing by me in this rationale. I want them to introspect and improve, if essential, before I extend my thanks. We have a common voice against crime of any kinds and we take an oath to cut it from roots, and we initiate the fundamental from right here.

1)   I strongly condemn the brutality happening in front of my eyes.

2)   I promise to never indulge myself in ‘Eve-teasing’, and will make an effort to curb it if I see something like this with the lawful means.

3)   I will understand my rights and duties as Indian citizen, and will abide by law. bh

4)   I say – No to dowry – and will help my family understand that it is a curse.

5)   I will respect women and elderly people.

6)   I disapprove social misdemeanour of honour killing, and female infanticide and foeticide.

7)   I will not follow any sorts of superstitions with no reasoning.

8)   I will vote for a person of neat background and promising betterment of my land; not for caste, religion and other favours.

9)   I will pass on the same principles, which I have taken an oath for, to my younger generations.

My urge to youth through this platform is to be a participant at individual level as we, in some manner, bear the accountability on our shoulders for commencement for wrong doings.

To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. At our judicious moves, there will be numerous forces to suppress our voices. But we won’t let keep mum and will bang on with courage.

A lot has been said and is still being said since long, and for past 4-5 months with fervor. So many headlines have been made, but ugly face of crime is intact.

Police and Administration– Removing curtains and putting up barriers can help, but is not necessarily sufficient. You can’t be everywhere to protect millions, so how come so many of you are required to protect one politician. We know, you won’t resign and it’s futile to demand for. And we also know that any replacement won’t help when system needs overhauling.

Politicians – Sir, we would like to invite you with your daughter for a late dinner with a condition that no security would accompany you. It’s RAM RAJYA after all.

Secular/ Non-Secular Leaders –Which God to pray when one is being raped? For that God’s sake, please rise above your eccentricities.

Supporters of Brotherhood – Really? I want to tie you, beat you, and cut you in small portions. Come on, say it- Didi, please leave!! I so want to see whether the trick works or not.

With the alarming crimes rising every hour, every sensible human being has a voice. And millions of voices do create an impact. However, it is equally vital to be responsible with words. Heard it somewhere – Killing females at their birth is better than having them bruised later on. I have complete empathy with the emotion displayed by the author. But I can’t support the literal text, as it lacks responsible selection of words.

I would follow, support and spread the promises I have made to myself. How many of you are there to carry the cause forward? Looking forward to a sincere response.

Jai Hind/Bharat/India!!

(I know, the face of ugly politics may create divide with the name of land as they already say that crimes happen in India, not Bharat. Clearing it for once and all, don’t play it with names; for us it is our Mother/Daughter,; and we won’t let you harm her.)

[stextbox id=”black”]“So kyon Manda Aakhiye Jit Jame Rajan” (On female gender equality: “why call her inferior? From her, the Kings are born”) ~ Guru Nanak dev Ji.[/stextbox]

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Arranged Marriages. Anyone?

If you think matches (not cricket or home lite) are made in heaven, think again……….Match making esp. in arranged marriages is an art where everybody follows the guidelines set up by “The PhD holders in match making” n this group comprises of all the people above the age of 50. Parents forcing you to go to a family function is just a precursor and is meant to show that my child is suitable for a good match…and thus suitable families present may apply right now. But this step is not worth to be considered as guidelines. So before giving you a detailed view of those guidelines, let me produce before you a few statistics which i have gathered after lots of……well……..imagination!

arranged-marriages

50% of marriages(considering where our country has reached now) are love marriages(i.e their guidelines are totally different,so about them…..any other time).

From the rest 50%:-
30%-This comprises of boys and girls who are ready to get married but have not done so because either they had failed relation previously or/ they are very obedient sons and daughters who would just marry a guy or gal chosen by their parents or/ a total loser who cannot propose a girl on his own and thus wants their parents support.

So the problem lies with with the rest 20%:- This class comprises of people who……don’t want to marry so SOON ……even if they have entered their thirties…..just because they love their single status.They enjoy the freedom and fun associated with it and that indeed is a golden phase.
So these guidelines are about this 20% because they are the people who would genuinely find these guidelines irritating.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.”

– Marilyn Monroe

Now the process of match making begins with a …….ummmmm…..

1) PHOTOGRAPH: In arranged marriages choosing a photograph is the choice of your parents.You really cannot give them the weird pics you’ve clicked and made it as a profile picture. The thousands of pics you meticulously clicked thinking about the right angle,pose,direction of tube light and all are straight away rejected by your parents.

Thus now you are made to dress up in a proper indian attire and taken to a studio where that unknown camera man is staring at you with his observant eyes. Parents coax him to take a beautiful photograph.Then you are made to stand in that particular posture…….your hands folded awkwardly and your face tilted to a weird angle…..and a fake smile which goes aptly with that pose.And then the final copy of that photograph arrives and you start doubting weather its really you in that photoshopped photo……and wonder if you would have done a better job in editing that…….never mind.

2)BIO DATA:-Well now that the big work is done the next step is to write a bio data for yourself.In today’s world where i think 90%of the urban girls are career oriented, they are more habitual of writing a professional resume rather than writing about your complexion,height,interests in music and cooking(now this really sucks!!!). And the format of writing is usually copy pasted from your elder brother or sister’s bio data.And now that everything is ready it is duly attached with the so called beautiful photograph and is sent to all the eligible candidates.

3)THE DREADFUL TIME:- Now don’t get me wrong……but frankly saying…it indeed is.Actually if by fluke or by your luck that dreadful photograph is liked by anyone and they show any interest…..then that moment arrives…..The”LADKI DEKHNA” ceremony(as if you are one of the rare species of animal in a zoo at Hong Kong.
This ceremony begins with a with an elaborate preparation and the best sweets and snacks are prepared or purchased.The house is thoroughly cleaned and the maid is asked to stay up late for extra help.The boy and his family arrives and the parents of both sides start talking about the most useless things of the world and then one of them suggests that the girl should be called in.As the girl enters every one suddenly becomes quiet for a few seconds as if they have indeed seen the rarest species.
Then the boy and girl are left in a room to talk ALONE. Usually the boy starts up the chat and talk about every thing which has been written in his bio data….the same goes for girl…..and then an awkward silence.This goes on for a while and when they have nothing else to talk then they head back to where others are sitting.
Now comes the tough part…usually the boy’s mother who has already inspected the girl from head to toe…starts with the usual question- beta khaana bana lete ho?…..and the girl thinks what the hell!!!…..(a dentist friend of mine aptly replied”nahi..but denture bana leti hoon”) but nods in affirmation and then two three more useless questions are asked. And usually by the other day you come to know that RISHTA PAKKA ho gaya….and thus following the guidelines a match is made. If god forbid it fails…..the guideline says repeat step 3…..and then the story goes on and on.

“Titanic film mein Jack ka Rose ke liye pyar dekh kar main toh yahi kahunga ki sahi mayne mein ‘RELATION-SHIP’ wahi tha…”

–  Raaj Shaandilyaa, Script Writer for Krushna, Sudesh and Kapil Sharma in Comedy Circus.

By reading this you may think that these things no longer exist in today’s modern era but they do.But the matter of fact is that these kind of marriages are successful and we have all seen that questioning our elders about this is….well….questioning…..so try those guidelines and if nothing happens enjoy your single status!!!!!!!!

A Calmer You: I dare you to judge me!!

If your friends poke fun at you for how you are, allow me to poke fun at your choice of friends. After the intense reaction to the re-run of last two weeks’ columns about girls vs boys, my rather odd belief that girls strangely tend to love the ones that hurt them, and that boys sadly tend to hurt the ones they love, was kinda reaffirmed. Anyhow, in the barrage of feedback mails that came my way, including the ones that first accused me of being a guy in disguise and the following week termed me a balls-buster feminist, there were two that stood out.

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These mails came from two distinct parts of India, and were written by two people of opposite genders, yet spoke of the same raw nerve. While Ambika from Lucknow said she loves her inclination to dress and behave like a tomboy, Ankur from Patiala confessed to hating the fleeting feminine traits he has in his behaviour. Both of them, however, share a commonality. They are both very, very stressed about the reaction of people around them to how they dress and speak. “Just because I love to sport short ‘boy-cut’ hair and only wear jeans and T-shirts, some of my friends have indirectly asked me if I am lesbian,” writes Ambika. “My friends tease me all the time that I’m gay, but believe me, I am not,” says Ankur. Well, Ankur, don’t ask me for my belief, because I, frankly, just don’t care if you are gay or not. And I will not even want to take this discussion to the gay-lesbian angle because as I’ve said earlier, which gender turns you on is your, and only your business. Not mine, not the world’s.

Let’s talk about the stress you are facing on account of friends teasing you for speaking or behaving like the members of the other gender. The very fact that both of you used the term ‘friends’ to describe these people smacks of irony, but I know your definition here includes classmates and acquaintances. So let’s just correct that definition first, shall we? Here, think about it…
1 If they are friends, they won’t judge you:
2 If they judge you, it’s twice as fun to ignore them
3 If you ignore them, you’ll start loving yourself
4 If you love yourself, they will want to be your friends
5 If they want you as a friend, they won’t judge you

I want to ask a question of each one of you who’s reading this just now. Can you, hand on heart, claim that never in your life have you made fun of a guy who happens to speak in a girlie way. I can’t. I’ve laughed at actors attempting such scenes in comedy films. Sometimes, with seemingly good intention, I’ve advised female friends to flaunt feminity and not opt for really short hair etc. But the more I think about it now, I realise how less I cared for what it must be doing to their feelings at that point. All that I perhaps cared for was to satisfy the stereotypes in my own head of how others should be.

Being judgmental comes very easily to us. And someone’s outwardly trappings such as appearance, clothes, accent etc are the easiest targets when it comes to feeding that habit. What we forget is that whatever we know of these trappings is borne out of our own conditioning, not by any rule of the universe. Somewhere while growing up, we acquired the knowledge that since a majority of guys and girls in this world walk or talk a certain way, that’s how we, or those around us, are supposed to. Now imagine for a moment that a new, inhabited country is discovered somewhere in the world. When our explorers reach there, they realise that all women in that country sport a short crop and all men have long, flowing hair. Suddenly all your beliefs would be turned upside down by the realisation that it’s all conditioning, and nothing else.

While I would like to reserve my right of holding an opinion on whether I like a girl who dress up as ‘tomboys’ (whatever silly origin that term has), I will have to accord the right to that girl to have the freedom of deciding what she wants to look like. If I need to tease a feminine guy or a masculine girl to get the laughter in my life, it’s my sense of humour that needs an overhaul, not their appearance.

And while on this point, this is what I want to tell all the Ambikas and Ankurs of this world. People are going to judge you or talk about you for as long as you live. They mostly don’t have anything better to do with their lives. But you do. And that’s achieving the high of being able to give them a royal ignore. You know, there’s a reason why the middle finger of my hand is my most favourite. Lest your so called ‘friends’ accuse me of obscenity, let me clarify that it’s only because God made it half an inch longer than the others. But you do get the point, don’t you? Embrace the way you are, the way you look. Go mad trying out whatever your heart desires, as long as you are not harming yourself or others in the process. Ek hi life hai yaar, that too pretty short. Either spend it their way, or yours. Something tells me that yours is so more fun.

Sonal Kalra realised that both guys and girls feel, equally strongly, that their lives are tougher. No one’s cakewalking. We’re all just trying to have our cake, and eat it too!

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