Tag Archives: Facebook

A Calmer You: Hey Zuckerberg, get some sanskaar!!

The other day Mark Zuckerberg wrote to me. Arrey, had hai. Why are you rolling your eyes? Did I object when so many of you gloated about the call you got on your phone from Arvind Kejriwal? Did I? I toh don’t ­interact with anyone less than ­international celebrities. Anyway, bechara Zuckerberg pareshaan tha. Apparently for the first time since it started in 2004, Facebook’s popularity has reduced in the last few months. I wrote a long email to him, telling him that with a surname that resembles an iceberg, he should just chill about these ups and downs. Due to some technical fault, my response mail has bounced back saying ‘you can’t respond to an auto-generated message’ but what the heck. Apni garaj hai toh phone kar lega woh mujheMera toh, you see, daily contact hai aise logon se, just that I don’t have the habit of flaunting my contacts. Anyway, till I speak with him, I thought of writing some suggestions over here so that his CEO etc who are regular readers of this column can convey the tips to him.

A Calmer You - Hey Zuckerberg, get some sanskaar

Vaise, in my view, Facebook’s popularity has not come down one bit. Mujhe toh ab bhi agar mere office mein koi apni seat pe kaam karta hua nahi milta, toh Facebook pe mil jaata hai. But, yeah, it has become a tad boring, simply because it pushes a user to only be good. Ab for how long can you keep making friends and ‘liking’ peoples’ statuses? In the name of equally valid values like irritation and meanness, Facebook has few things – one of which, of course, is the ­obnoxious ability to be able to ‘poke’ people. It is my resolve that when Zuckerberg comes ­visiting me someday, I will take him to Shimla and ‘poke’ him when he’s standing at the edge of a cliff. Anyway, so all else is goody two shoes and I’m sure people are getting tired of being so sanskaari. So, here are a few new buttons, apart from ‘like’ and ‘comment’, that I propose Facebook introduces. Tell me if you think they make sense, then I will call Zuki and tell him…

1. One tight slap (OTS) BUTTON: Why should I only ‘like’ your status, or keep quiet if I think you are being the moron that you are, by posting ‘Ohh…it’s so cold’ 27th time in the month of ­December. I would like to tell you explicitly about the ­emotions your status is generating inside me, when you post a senti status, and order me to share it with minimum ten friends. Or when you insist on posting a photo of every activity your two-year-old does – sleeping, eating, dancing, doing potty…everything. I demand a OTS button, right next to the ‘like’ one. Maybe it could be avoided on exceptional pages, like Zuki’s own, Obama’s, Poonam Pandey’s or Fans of Sonal Kalra. Wahan toh koi sense nahi banegi, but in all other cases, it is a must. Enough of ­liking everything.

2. Lapeto BUTTON: How about having a ‘lapeto’ button for all the status updates that show-off more than Rakhi Sawant and Veena Malik ­collectively did, in their entire career. Kuchh log itni lambi chhodte hain … Sheikh Chilli would also get embarrassed. I bet, they wouldn’t even hesitate before calling Mark Zuckerberg their friend. Idiots. Pics of international vacations, pics of rocking parties, pics with ­filmstars, there’s no end to flaunting. By the way, if any of my FB friends is reading this, do know that my account has been hacked several times in the recent past. I’m ­getting the IT department to investigate. Otherwise, kahan mein, kahan show-off.

Anyway, if your friend can pray to God and look like Salman Khan in his DP, while looking like Paresh Rawal in real life, then you can pray for lapeto ­button to vent your feelings. No?

3. Stolen from where BUTTON?: Aam aadmi party should take this up, at Ramlila Maidan. Chori ke Facebook status pe ­minimum three years imprisonment, without access to Facebook, in jail. Sabse pehle mein hi andar jaaoongi but then I don’t fear ­sacrificing for a noble cause. No one has made better use of the copy-paste feature invented by my mamaji, Lawrence Gordon Tesler, than Facebook users. No wonder you find your friend Javed Chikna who can’t speak proper grammar to save his life, suddenly put up an insightful status of 250 words in such perfect English that even Prince Charles will have to use a dictionary. If only there was a ‘kahan se chepa?’ button under such status updates, at least you wouldn’t see seven friends on your timeline come up with the exact same joke. Am I right or right? Tell me.

4. Aashirwaad BUTTON: After ­suggesting such mean ­buttons above, the Alok Nath in me has suddenly woken up with a thunder. Getting back to ­sanskaars, I propose an ­‘aashirwaad’ button under a ­status. You see, of late, parents ki poori generation ne dhaava bol diya hai Facebook pe. Ideally, someone in the FB technical team should have had the sense to invent a feature where the ­computer would automatically detect a parent, grand parent, chachaji, buaji, mamaji etc and disable their option to send a friend request to the helpless youngsters in their family.

But woh toh kiya nahi, and now ­people are stuck. Because, being sanskaari, and also ­realising that pocket money gets into danger if dad’s friend request is not accepted, bechaare bachchey end up adding them. The elders are also overwhelmed at seeing that the same Pappu who gets 39 out of 100 in English, puts up William Shakespeare’s quotes on Facebook. So for such emotionally touched generation, there should be something better than the silly ‘like’. For them, we should have the ‘aashirwaad’ ­button. Technical glitches may just see a ‘sloshed after 3 tequila shots’ status from Priya Kumari get an aashirwaad from mummy ji, but then errorskahan nahi hote. Go for it!

5. Finally, I demand a button that, by some magic, removes the ‘likes’ on someone else’s ­status. Of course we’ll use it ­judiciously, we are sanskaari. Because you see, itne jhoothe likes hote hain kuchh log ke ­status pe. PS: If a thought about the likes on my FB statuses even remotely crossed your mind just now, remember that there is God up above and my friend Zuki down on this earth, and both will curse you. Haan, toh these jhoothelikes happen because some people have the disease of liking just about anything. Go on, test it. Post ‘dying of constipation for the past 3 days’. If you are not a serial killer with no friends, I guarantee you a ­minimum of five likes before you visit the loo for your next attempt. Oh Facebook, give us the power to take away at least such ­embarrassing ‘likes’ down. We’ll not misuse power. We have sanskaars. And now we have Kejriwal.

Sonal Kalra has suddenly realised that this column will be suicidal for her FB page’s ­popularity. Will Zuki get that it’s a joke? Implement toh nahi kar dega nah?

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Social De-addiction-Satisfaction Guaranteed

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social-networking-addict
There was a time when parents used to warn their children to return  home from  the park at the specified time or else they would be locked in the perpetually non-existent “Chuhon wala Kamra” for coming back home late and now, the parents whine that their kids hardly step out of home. Even if they do, the universe knows whether they are at Nathu Ram departmental store or at Bondhu Lal sweet shop. All thanks to the position update option available at numerous social networking websites. Sitting at Mcdonalds, you fail to spend quality time with the persons sitting at the opposite side of the table because you were occupied telling your imaginary friends/followers on facebook, twitter and whatsapp that you have ordered the happy price menu & the bill amount inclusive of all taxes is Rs. 99.99. A strong impulse to crack that criminal case on facebook conquers the need to work out a strategy for the exam tomorrow.

Social networking websites are manufacturers of desire. The desire to check facebook notifications when your mind says that ‘I am bored’, desire to browse tweets when your mind says ‘lets see whats going on around the world’. The desire is so intense that even while you are doing some important work, social applications are running behind the Word processor window on a computer or minimzed to tray on your smartphone. You put our phone away for a while and the thought of checking texts, emails, notifications etc. lurks in your mind, you take a short break from work and check your social accounts in that time.

If you get to hear “you are always logged on”, “put your phone away”, “kabhi computer/phone ko saans bhi lene diya karo” like sentences more than twice a day and depict all/any of the traits mentioned in this para, you should admit that you are a social addict. At least, ‘I admit that I am’ and I don’t support the point of giving up social network completely because ‘excess of everything is bad’, be it social addiction or social de-addiction to an extent that we flee from the social front. The only goal of this writeup is to bring myself and the readers back to being a social animal from being a social wild animal which the low cost internet packages have made us. Lets talk about the steps we can take to achieve our goal of being a social animal from being socially wild:-

1.) Motivation:- The first thing you can do to achieve any objective is to motivate yourself to do the same. Write down a few things you can do if you don’t use social sites for a few hours, a few benefits of not being on social sites for a few days etc. Read these points daily. “Motivation is doing the thing you said you would do long after the time the mood you said it in has left you.” Read these points everyday to stay motivated to achieve your goal. This motivation technique can be used to achieve any goal in general.
motivation

1.) Shut-down timers- Shut-down timers are very minute size softwares available liberally and easily on the internet which shut down your computer at the time you specify . So, if you are really serious on getting rid of the ‘checking habit’, install this in your PC. The next time you log-in to your social account, set a timer of 30 minutes or 1 hour and the computer will automatically shut down at the specified time. Even if you bang your head in the monitor screen or scream “Nahiiii….” Loudly because you wanted to ‘Like’ the status of your girlfriend, the computer won’t pay heed to your actions or words and perform its job. You may also set an alarm on your cell phone for this purpose but, I won’t support that because it is very easy to turn off the cell phone alarm and continue the session.
free-shutdown-timer

2.) Cut the connection– Secondly, you should reduce the means through which you can access your social network. Cell phones are fundamentally meant for making and taking calls and sending short messages, if you’ll not recharge your cell phone internet pack the next time, that’ll surely help you get rid of the habit forming technology.
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3.) Respect the rules- Internet serves various other purposes apart from being a means for you to connect socially. Avoid the use of social networking sites while being at workplace because the bills of that connection are being paid to appreciate the output you have achieved through the productive use of internet, not to appreciate the criminal cases you have solved on facebook. Ask a colleague to block the social networking sites from your workplace system, if you are an addict, you won’t block it on your own.
parental-control

4.) Parental controls- If you are a parent and wish to restrict your child’s usage of social network or the computer in a broader sense, use the parental control option in windows vista, windows 7 and later versions of windows. This option allows you to restrict the time and days for which your child can use the computer and also the websites your child can visit. For users of windows xp and other operating systems, softwares serving the same purpose are freely available on the web. You won’t have to complain about your child’s addiction anymore.
parental-control-social-networking

5.) Take a break – Take a piece of pen and paper, write down the things you can do in your free time, except social networking. It can be writing an article, working out, reading a book etc. Next, delete all the web browsers, social applications and their setups from your computer and cell phones, USB drive for a week. Ask a person you trust to change the password of your social account. I do this for a month every year and always achieve the self-improvement objectives I set. This technique is very useful if you are keen on quitting social network for exams or an important project you wish to focus on. If you are highly addicted to social media try doing this for 2-3 days. See the results and then you’ll love taking a break as I do.  Remember: Don’t tell the world that you are taking a brake if you seriously wish to achieve your goal or else you’ll end up checking how many people liked your decision on facebook.
break-time

6.) Sticky notes- Set up a wallpaper on your phone or PC which reminds you that you have to restrict your usage of social networking sites and applications. I placed a sticky note on my computer screen and wrote on the white board in my room in bold letters “I AM NOT A SOCIAL ADDICT” when I wanted to achieve this objective. Reason: “OUT OF SIGHT IS OUT OF MIND”.Obtain a printout of this piece of writing, read it, re-read it and tell me your progress.

After giving this free fund advice I would say one thing “YOUR PARENTS WILL NEVER BE PROUD IF YOU ARE ADDICTED TO SOMETHING- BE IT DRUGS OR SOCIAL NETWORK

Waiting for ‘Likes’ and ‘comments’ on the first FRIDAY FUNDA. Mail me at: techsoftwarez (at) gmail.com or join me at facebook.com/mohit.unconventional.

The Real Face of Facebook

We all love facebook , don’t we. Atleast 90% of the world does And its not just limited to teenagers now. Facebook is in fashion now. Orkut ka toh ab naam bhi bhul gaye log, its all thanks to facebook. It is the most important thing in the world for the young generation. I am a lecturer and I ‘ve seen my students busy with their status updates and pic uploads even in the classroom. And they have their own ways to do that and escape my view. Their eyes under the table, as many students as possible on the last bench trying to adjust, just to manage their company with their mobile phones on facebook. Though they do get caught but that’s not the point. The point is Kya jaadu kar diya hai iss facebook ne. It is the only thing in the world on which every young chap is very much focussed.

[stextbox id=”alert”]Do Join Us on Facebook to Continue to Receive All The Updates Before Everyone Else Do.[/stextbox]

Here are a few wonderful things about facebook which makes it even more amazing. Do appreciate my keen observation

facebook-friends

Friends, friends and more friends: Yes, if you don’t believe me check out your friends list and honestly tell me, how many of them are really your friends. I saw a facebook account recently with 1000 + friends on facebook. How on earth is it possible that you know those 1000 even casually forget about being  friends.  In real life, even if you call any one you know a friend, I bet you don’t really have even half as many as on your friend list. And students love to be teachers friends on facebook. All students and teachers are actually friends even though in real life a student would hate a particular teacher like anything but on facebook they are friends, Amazing!!

Likes: This can be a parameter for your popularity. The number of likes on your pics and status updates and even what you share from others walls make you so happy as if you got a Nobel Prize. But there is a horrible aspect to this. Post that you are down with fever and I promise you’ll get a few likes there too. As if people are too happy that you are down with fever. Is’nt that fantastic??

Mr/Ms. Photogenic: And then you get crazy about your pic uploads in different styles and poses, uploaded by dozens. Even you won’t see them all again yourself. Recently someone had a fracture and then uploaded that pic with plaster on, as if it was the most fantastic thing that happened to you and you just cant afford to miss sharing.  And you know what, it even got a mind boggling number of likes.

Unfriend / block: I sometimes wonder why facebook  guy gave this option. Probably he was sure that with the provision of having so many friends, likes on even unpleasant posts  and ofcourse comments, kuch  na kuch panga zarur hoga 🙂

And mind you, don’t you dare think that I am backward enough not to have a facebook account  ….:) 🙂

Hey, you facebook status criminal!

Ha! In view of my extreme fondness for the delightful virtue of exaggeration, I was going to suggest that we shoot those who have no regard for Facebook etiquettes and go on posting mind numbingly irritating status updates. But then a friend politely informed that in that case, I should be the first one shot. Okay fine, I do admit, with a heavy heart, that I too am guilty of having committed sometimes unknowingly etiquette blood-bath on Facebook.

However, in the spirit of universal hypocrisy, I shall go on and poke fun at others who do it. Hoping we’ll both learn from it.

Hey-you-facebook-status-criminal-calmer-you-column-29-jan-2012
By the way, those of you either medieval or intelligent who are not on Facebook and are about to quit reading any further, please don’t. This piece is as much for you as the Facebook junkies.

Ha! In view of my extreme fondness for the delightful virtue of exaggeration, I was going to suggest that we shoot those who have no regard for Facebook etiquettes and go on posting mind numbingly irritating status updates. But then a friend politely informed that in that case, I should be the first one shot. Okay fine, I do admit, with a heavy heart, that I too am guilty of having committed sometimes unknowingly etiquette blood-bath on Facebook.

However, in the spirit of universal hypocrisy, I shall go on and poke fun at others who do it. Hoping we’ll both learn from it.
By the way, those of you either medieval or intelligent who are not on Facebook and are about to quit reading any further, please don’t. This piece is as much for you as the Facebook junkies.

[stextbox id=”info”]Tips on Facebook (Social Networking) Status Updates Etiquettes[/stextbox]

It’ll give you a rare feeling of satisfaction and relief at not being privy to all the crap the rest of us have gotten ourselves into, in the holy name of social networking.

Freshly chastised by the friend who reminded me that Facebook was invented as a medium to stay in virtual touch with friends and family, by occasionally sharing photos and news about your well being and not as the copy-paste-tag monstrosity it has grown into let me begin with a solemn pledge that ought to be compulsory for all, including the three Hrithik Roshans and two Katrina Kaifs on my friends list, to take before Facebooking.
The Pledge: While aiming to try that all my waking moments of the day are not spent checking and wondering how many people have liked my last photo or status, I, hereby take the oath that I shall Not

Send friend request to absolute strangers and then message them to express incredulity that they’ve not accepted so far.

Ignore privacy settings that enable me to disallow the whole world, including the neighbour’s gardener from getting notifications each time someone comments on my photos of winning the samosa eating contest at work.

Tag my entire friends list on inane links or photos, totally unconnected to them, or sanity. Post status updates@ five-per-minute. Keep stalking the profiles of my ex, or his ex, or her current, and their dog mindlessly and without a reason. Go mental at a death-defying rate trying or spending money …to get the perfect photo clicked for the profile, or the dp. And finally, not start, or participate in the spectacularly dumb chain-mails asking everyone to forward it to all the women, or men, or cats, who’ve made your life special and worthy, because it is the World Thank-you-I’m-alive-because-of-you-Day.

With the pledge taken, our next mission is to ban these three kinds of irritating facebook status-givers, forever. Are you with me?

1. The weather tellers:

First, Here come the clouds, looks like it’s going to rain ha!. Then, Hey, it’s raining Okay, we can see that too. And then, I just love rains and the smell of wet earth one tight slap. Seriously, what’s with all the undercover weather reporters on Facebook? If you love rains so much, go, look out of the window and enjoy it, dummy. Trust me, it won’t go away if you will not put up a status welcoming it. Thankfully, the weather-god is not on Facebook yet.

2. The over-tellers:

It’s amazing how a lot of people on Facebook are perfect candidates to be the information-broadcasting minister, at least of their own lives. Pardon an involuntary disdain for the self-indulgent awfulness, but not everyone on your 3000-strong list of close friends want to know how long you’ve been waiting for the metro or how you squeezed a pimple this morning, or how you are going to take a shower, or visit the loo.

Really? I’m not sure I wish to partake in the saga of your gastro-intestinal activities. Does anyone care?

Some kind souls even prefer to offer a cordial invitation to the tech-savvy robbers by posting ‘Hey everyone, we are on vacation till next week’ kind of status messages.

Well, all the best! And the worst is to get unending notifications on who bought a new sheep and in sheer excitement, planted avocados on Farmville!! I’m not really big on avocados, though I’m so very, eternally, happy for your new sheep. But can I kill you please?

3. The gloom tellers:

We all have a secret compassion-seeker hidden within us but for some people, it pops out every time they log on to Facebook. The result is emotional song lyrics, long inspirational quotes by people with unpronounceable names, and sometimes a detailed description of the mess that your life is. Your status tells the world how you fell off the stairs, broke your left leg, and can’t pee.
Some moron goes ahead and even likes it. And then explains that the like was to thank God you didn’t die of the fall. Actually, you should have, before raising the depression quotient of the universe with such finer details of your misery. So, you decided to have a break-up with your girlfriend of 22-days.

Now you’ve lost all trust in love and like a maniac, start posting senti song lyrics and links on Facebook. Sob, sob. Here, take a handkerchief. Laden with poison.

Sonal Kalra is suddenly mortified that after this nasty outburst, everyone will befriend her on Facebook. She’ll drink all evening in depression and post some heart-tugging poetry in status update tomorrow. Please ‘like’ it. And by the way, she, too, loves rains.