Tag Archives: Fight

How to always win a fight

We in India passionately love three things — Bollywood, cricket and fighting. And if by some stroke of luck, all three combine, just like what happened this week with actor Shah Rukh Khan getting into a brawl at Mumbai’s cricket stadium, the whole nation gets a reason to go into a collective orgasmic state. I was mulling over that episode… and the countless other instances of road rage fights or other brawls that we keep reading about, and thought how someday soon, when our kids will be asked what their favourite hobby is, they might answer drawing, dancing and yelling.

calmness tips handle fights

I actually love yelling… it fills you up with energy, and adds oodles to the self worth. And of course, what fun is yelling without a dash of abuses. After all, in this self-centred day and age, abuses give us a rare chance to fondly remember not just our own mother and sisters, but even those of our opponent.
Nope, I see nothing wrong with fighting. The louder the better.

Just the other day, a neighbour of mine who falls in love with the tyres of all cars that are parked around his palace (not a typo!) so much that he insists on hugging them till they deflate, punctured all four of mine. I was ecstatic at having finally got a chance to go out and try my yelling skills but sadly the peace-loving family and neighbours stopped me.

[stextbox id=”black”]It seems that fighting is a game where everybody is the loser.

-Zora Neale Hurston[/stextbox]

Ab batao…aisa mauka milta kya? Vaise toh everyone is so busy with their damned lives. It’s fights over parking, accidents, kids, garbage etc that give people a chance to get together as a community, as a nation. In fact, in the interest of brotherhood, the government should make it compulsory for everyone to stop whatever they are doing the moment two people get into a brawl and gather around them.
What? They already do so where you live? Lucky, yaar. Anyway… let me not digress into explaining the well established benefits of fighting and getting into brawls. The intention today is to tell you some clever tips which will ensure that whenever you indulge into them, you emerge victorious. Satyamev Jayate. Whatever.

[stextbox id=”info”]Calmness Tips on How to Handle Fights and Arguments[/stextbox]

1. The ‘ascending volume’ mode: Nahi samajh aaya? Science tells us that those who start the argument itself by yelling, go short of breath in around 3 minutes 37 seconds. Don’t make that mistake. Have you seen the ‘ascending volume’ mode of ringtones in mobile phones? Where the first ring is soft and then the volume grows louder with each ring.
Do that. A person who’s already yelling at the top of his voice when a fight begins is considered ‘hyper’ by the crowd. The one who is speaking softly and suddenly raises the volume somehow seems justified in doing so. It’s like people think — bechaare ko majboor kar diya awaaz uthaane ke liye. Gain public sympathy. It’s a trump card.

2. Win over the accomplice of your opponent: In any brawl, the friends of the two warring factions gather around them. Suddenly in the middle of a loud argument, turn to the person who is ferociously supporting your opponent and say… ‘bhai sahib, you look the most sensible of all, why don’t you tell your friend to behave?’
Take the dushman by surprise. Suddenly that friend will see this as his/her duty towards sensible human behaviour to try and intermediate in a civil way. Got it? See, interfering into other peoples’ arguments is our birth right and people would do that. So, don’t tell them things like… tum beech mein mat bolo, or mind your own business. In fact say… please intervene… only you can put some sense into your friend’s head. And, then see what happens. Divide and rule hai bhaiya… hamesha kaam aata hai.

3. Don’t get personal: I somehow feel you risk losing all sympathy from the onlookers if you pass a personal comment about your opponent, even though you may be absolutely right. Personal insults about a person’s character, appearance etc may not be relevant to the issue at hand and may make you seem like a mean person.
Rather, provoke the opponent to pass a personal comment on you if your own argument starts to go weak. The moment he/she falls for it, make that your main grudge and launch into an attack. Something like ‘Aur sab chhodo mujhe paagal kaise bola? Kaise, kaise?’ If however you are fighting for the right cause, don’t digress from the issue. Stay focussed. Oh no, I’ve changed my mind.

[stextbox id=”black”]Fights in real life between real people only last so long before someone gets seriously hurt.

-Robert Kirkman.[/stextbox]

4. Don’t stay focussed: If you see an endless argument going nowhere, enjoy the fight by going off on a tangent and totally confusing everyone. Say something totally meaningless. I once saw a gentleman who, in a loud argument with a colleague, kept saying, ‘Oh tu jaanta nahi hai’. After around 20 times, I asked him ‘kya nahi jaanta?’ He didn’t have an answer.
Utterly irrelevant, clichéd and exaggerated punch lines are such a blessing I tell you. Like say, “If you’ll keep deflating tyres, socho what will happen to our nation one day.” Let your opponent be baffled about what’s the connection. Confuse kar kar ke maaro.

Finally, something on a serious note.
Arguments help no one except the public that gets entertainment without a ticket. Silence or violence, you have to decide. I choose the former. It makes me feel stronger.

Sonal Kalra forbids everyone from informing her neighbours about this column, till she thinks of tips to counter these tricks.

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Do you know who my dad is? [Feedback]

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This column was published on 18/9/11 in HT City. Here is an excerpt;

“You think I’m being sarcastic? Tsk tsk… I have such bad reputation in your eyes. I’m serious. I will start a campaign in aid of all those who suffer from mysterious bouts of amnesia and have to ask who they are or who their dad is, especially if their car bumps into someone else’s. I saw such a person outside a shopping mall this weekend. He was reversing, someone else was progressing (I know it’s wrong English, just sounded funny, thanks). His car brushed the other’s bumper, very slightly, in a peck-on-cheek-of-a socialite-at-a-page3-party way. I wouldn’t have even noticed had I been in that car because, you know, God blesses some with stereos which have a physical disability and you can’t reduce …”

Read Full Column

 

Well, this column reminded me about not one but many such occurrence which I myself must have witnessed in the past specially while driving on Delhi roads (thank god, I witnessed all that as a mere spectator and was not a participant myself). Often, we find such creatures claiming to be forgotten who they are or who their mom/dad/uncle is, are generally ones who are at fault themselves. Only to defend themselves and more so to prove the opponent wrong, they do all that nonsense. One more thing I have generally observed is  that – we get to hear about these phrases more when there is a good crowd around. If there is not a reasonable number of people around, quite possible, the matter gets solved without any shouts and all. After all, who to shout it for. There is no one to listen. People shout not only because they want to make a point but they want the whole world to listen to them. Since, in India, roads are always packed with people, vehicles, people in vehicles, vehicles on people, we will find such incidents a common sight on the roads. And ofcourse, as Sonal mentioned in her column, generally people who shouts in such fights are the ones more insecure from inside irrespective of what they look from outside. It’s not a small dent that makes a difference to them but that gives them a reason to prove their authority to others (even if they don’t have any).

do-you-know-who-my-dad-is-column-sonal-kalra-calmness-tips-ht-city

Yes, a simple word of Sorry can make a lot of difference. After all this also only prove the shouting person right and only boost his/her ego which is what he has been shouting for – to get the attention, to prove he is something or his mom/dad/family is someone every one should know. You say sorry and it may satisfy its ego to a larger extent. Even if it is not, then at least this will deter him from continuing shouting and fighting, fearing people around may not approve his continued fight even after recieving the apology from the other party. 

Well, calling the cops in India is something not many people prefer to do. Even the people who themselves are right would not like to take the chance with Indian cops. Ofcourse, not every one is bad then you never know whom you get to deal with in your own case. What if you get to deal with the worst person from the police department. Every one knows, once the case is registered as legal formally, then there is no looking back.  Both the parties will have to suffer equally irrespective of the fact who is at fault – at least until the case reaches to a conclusion which anyways takes ages in India as we know.

As far as bribe matter is concerned, somehow, here in India we still prefer the other way round. I mean we will feel more comfortable if we find the matter can be solved with some bribe exchanges. At least, we remain hopeful about the case coming to an end which as I mentioned above, in courts takes ages. And when it does, we probably would have forgotten more or less what the case was all about. So, pre or post Anna, I am really not able to see any positive affect as such except the whole India and media is talking about every now and then.

Do share your feedback.

 [stextbox id=”info”]By the way, have you checked out the Gallery section showcasing the pictures of Sonal’s book launch at Mumbai and many more.[/stextbox]