Tag Archives: Guys vs Girls

A Calmer You: are you dating a drama queen?

Only guys are allowed to give feedback on this week’s column :). Okay, so I have already ordered for a five-inch thick helmet. Itni maar padne waali hai, from girls, after this week’s column that it’s crucial to have adequate protection against possible brain damage. Some of you may think the brain was damaged before all this was written, but then who can stop some of you from thinking? I had vowed to not write anything incriminating against any gender, especially the one that begins with ‘F’, but then I can’t help it. A friend just narrated such a horrid tale of his love life that my radars have got stuck on drama queen girlfriends. So his girlfriend, who he’s planning a break-up with for over two years now, recently advised that they note down, in minute detail, every expense that they incur on a date. And then share it equally.

A Calmer You are you dating a drama queen

One would think it’s an applause-worthy move, considering a lot of guys still have to live up to the chivalry of opening the wallet — and keeping it open — each time they go out with their girlfriends. Just that this suggestion has come from her exactly two weeks after he lost his job, while she happens to have just got a well-paying job. For the past two years, while he was earning and she was jobless, he was the one picking the tab. Anyway, their financial matter is their concern, but what got me jumping on the couch with disbelief was the formula she devised to calculate the expense. Since they both smoke and happen to sometimes share a cigarette, she wants to divide the expense on the basis of the number of drags or puffs each one has taken on a cigarette. Stumped? There’s more. She’s clarified that if they happen to go out with common friends, the sharing of expense will be on the basis of whose friend that person originally was. Any violation of this code will invite screaming matches after the date. I’m so utterly fascinated by drama queens, I tell you. This is just one of the various kinds that exist.

Actually, if you look at it objectively, such quirky behaviour is not limited to girls. A guy can be equally weird and therefore be a bigger drama queen (DQ) than the girl. But let’s just focus today on how to identify if you have been dating or married to a DQ. I’m admitting right now itself that I won’t be able to give you any tips on dealing with them. Because our religious scriptures say that we are all supposed to go through the torture pre-written in our destiny because of karma etc. You can revel in my abundant sympathies if you wish.

1. DQ1: The tantrum thrower: Stuck at the mental age of five-and-a-half, this girl has the superhuman capacity to pick up a fight over anything. Everything. How dare you forget the seven monthly anniversary of the first time she called you ‘baby’? Now she has a valid reason to sulk for at least seven days. And each time you’ll ask what’s wrong, she’ll say ‘nothing’ at the speed of light. So go figure what crime you committed…err..this time. Vaise achha hai, it keeps your mental faculties alert. You’re living a quiz all the time, wondering what you did wrong this time to deserve a cold shoulder. And the day she’ll burst out and tell you what’s bugging her, you’ll get the bonus of being reminded of all the grudges of the past years.

2. DQ2: The friend hater: She expects the day you get into a relationship with her to also be celebrated forever as the day you got out of a relationship with all your other friends. Well, you have her, why do you need other friends? And have you not noticed how ill-mannered and shabby all your friends are? Any time spent hanging out with them is a sheer waste, considering you could have productively utilised it in saying ‘I love you jaanu’ to her 27 times. With her by your side, you are ‘settled’ in life, so better not behave like a free bird and hang out with the guys. And if your friends happen to be girls…ha ha…consider taking part in India’s-most-suicidal championship this year itself. You may not be around to opt for it next year, you see.

3. DQ3: The time-keeper: Shouldn’t you be happy that someone is selflessly spending her entire mobile bill in tracking where you’ve reached after work? And in exactly how many seconds will you make a sakshaat appearance before her eyes? These DQs were math toppers in school, so don’t try to fool them by saying ‘I’ll be there in 30 minutes, when a distance of 18.5 kms, travelled at an average speed of 55 km/hr can be covered in 22 minutes 45 seconds.(PS: If any of you actually tried to calculate this using some Godforsaken formula and write to me that I got it wrong, I promise I’ll come over to your home and slap you). With such a woman in your life, getting late for anything is an award-winning recipe for disaster. And, ‘stuck-in-traffic’ is a fool’s excuse, because she can switch on the radio and check the traffic condition of your area. If you happen to be late because you are with a friend, the powerful forces of DQ2 and DQ3 will collectively curse you. Basically you are dead.

4. DQ4: The Money-saver: What? You gave some money to your brother? Why…how? Tum unke liye kamaate ho? How can you be so foolish and spend real money on someone other than her? She’s only trying to save up for your future. Why will your stupid friend need an actual birthday gift when you can give him the pleasure of an additional notification on facebook. Okay fine, if you feel so bloody close to him, wish him on your own timeline in addition to his. But no need to spend hard-earned money on such things. And God help you if you decided to spend the evening treating him on his birthday, and get late in the process. That’s DQ1+2+3+4. Good bye, my dear. Strive to be born as a DQ next time.

Sonal Kalra has only one advice for those stuck with DQs. Try to change her… if it doesn’t work, well, change her.

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When Multi-Tasking Becomes MAL-ti-tasking

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Perhaps innumerable times, it has become the apt basis for heating up arguments between woman and man that which gender is more capable of doing multitasking in the most efficient manner.

But before you gals and guys out there, start raising their eyebrows and arming your minds by collecting every trivial detail about gender based corpulent allegations, I would quickly like you to know that my post revolves around a completely different point. Don’t you think that we humans have a very weird habit of start judging things (be it food or a post), just after having a few morsels.

Multitasking-men-vs-women

Here I am talking about women, who are considered as “Woe to Men” by many (Relax, I am strictly talking about the married ones and those having annoying and demanding girlfriends).

Generally it is considered that women are more capable of managing several tasks together, although in my opinion, it entirely depends on the person. This thought related to female proficiency in multitasking originated from an age old phenomenon. It was based on the fact that in earlier times, males were the sole bread earner, they used to go out while females back at home were used to shuttle endlessly between household chores, children and kitchen. Their Majboori” became their “Ability” to multitask.

Anyways, multitasking often becomes Mal-ti-tasking. And believe me this damn MAL-ti-tasking never spares either of the gender. This habit of doing several tasks together can yield disasters and leaves you empty handed.

When women wake up in the morning their minds automatically start prioritizing all the pending work of the day that they have to deal with. They instantly rush into it and try to do all things at one go. And they end up frustrated and tired. Till the end of the day most of the work they aimed at in the morning is almost completed but they get so drained up that they are not even in the state of appreciating their efforts and feeling happy and satisfied with their performance.

The point is that despite of this entire goof up, why women always try to multitask. Reasons for this are very clear.

  • Women think that all the household chores are only “their” responsibility. (Hope those men who would be and are married won’t sue me for this, yes go and help the ladies out there, believe me it won’t hurt you).
  • Women think that, only they can do all the work perfectly. (It’s a misconception lady, men is equally good at it, try them out, ;))
  • They hesitate to ask for help. They think that they will be blamed for seeking help from others. Don’t pay heed on such crap.
  • They think that only they are responsible for everything related to the home (even if they go out to work), and consider themselves as the key person in home management. But surely what two wheels together can do, can never be done by a single one.

When you try to do multiple tasks at one go, that only results in lesser quality and more quantity, in comparison to what you get on focusing on individually on each task. You lose your concentration and the hence a satisfactory outcome is compromised. Never hesitate in saying “I need help”. If necessary you can take help from outside too. And last but surely not the least,  don’t forget to “Take Rest”.

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Girls have fun, boys have none

This is the 24079th column being written on this subject. And I’m still determined to flog the dead horse because no matter how much our society evolves, somehow the punch never goes out of a guy vs gal debate. No? The seed of this week’s column is a Facebook message from a reader, Aseem, who recalled an example of how differently we react to the two genders. It says that a boy once put up a Facebook status that said, “Going to commit suicide”. He got 0 likes (thank God!), and 1 comment from a friend that said, “Bike kiske paas rahegi?” On the contrary, when a girl posted: ‘Got a new dress, loving it’, 100 people liked it and she got another 100 comments, that too mostly from guys.

‘Does it reflect the desperation of Gen-X?’ asks Aseem.

Well, desperation ka toh pata nahi, but, exaggerated as anecdotes may be, I confess it does reflect a little bit of reality.

Girls have fun, boys have none

Why, why, why do girls have it so easy in life… is a question every guy asks, though I suspect they anyway have their own theory for an answer. And although it would seem that girls would take offence to this hypothesis, I was pretty surprised to see that six out of eight female colleagues who I discussed this topic with, tend to agree that girls indeed have an advantage.

Of course, I must make it clear that I’m not talking about serious issues related to gender discrimination. Because sadly, in parts of our country, being able to be born as a girl itself involves a struggle, right from the foetal stage.

I’m instead referring to day-to-day situations in an equal-opportunity urban setting. In the space and times that we live in, most parents spend as much time, attention and money in raising a girl as they do, on a guy.

There’s equal competition at school, for college admissions, for jobs, for promotions and so on. And then comes an evening when there’s a mad rush for tickets to a new blockbuster in the theatre.

While the guy, waiting in a long queue, curses everyone in sight, the girl breezes past, straight to the counter. Of course, it’s another thing that had there been a single queue, some lechers would have got busier in ogling than bothering about the tickets. But not every guy is like that and it’s not his fault that some are.

Anyhow, you get the point, don’t you?

Guys feel that girls are cake-walking through life.

To understand it better, I asked some of my male cousins and friends to elaborate on what frustrates them the most. 19-year-old Reliance (not his real name, he just suffers from too much gas!) said girls don’t have to struggle at all, in life.

“They just have to sit there, look pretty and wait for some guy to wander along and spend all his hard earned money on them,” he said. I slapped him. Horribly sexist, wasn’t that?

Then came 22-year old Tush (Yeah, I know. Sorry that I have people with such names in my life. That explains all the weirdness!), who gave these three gems.

1 Less expectations: ‘Although girls claim to be equal to guys in all respects, there are certain things that they are just not expected to even attempt,’ says Tush.

He recalled an incident when he had to go to a friend’s birthday party and was waiting for his sister, who had taken the car, to get back. She called to say that the car had a flat tyre, and that she’s standing on the roadside not sure what to do.

‘Change the damn tyre,’ I wanted to say but I knew she wouldn’t bother, because she’s never expected to,” he says.

Eventually, he had to go, change the tyre, fetch the car… and his sister, thus missing the party.

‘And still when we entered home, mom fussed all over my sister because she had such a hard time,’ he cries.

2 They know when to play the feminine card: ‘The same girls who are forever ready to pick up the morcha for equal rights don’t blink an eyelid before entering the pink coach (reserved for women) on the Metro, with a look that says they own the bloody train,’ says Reliance.

I didn’t slap him for this one. It’s true that girls enjoy the benefits of reservation.

Sometimes it seems justified, sometimes it doesn’t.

When it comes to arguing with parents over going out with friends, they are equal to guys.

When it suits them to cry ‘cramps’ and wriggle out of a tricky presentation in college, they are not. Point toh hai.

3 And of course, as Tush points out, girls have the most potent, invincible, unconquerable, trump card of all — tears. It works — in all situations, at all times. For whatever complexes of their own, guys can’t use this weapon. In fact, the poor guys are not allowed to get senti at all. Girls have all the right to hold each others’ hands and chirpily skip around. If a girl hugs her girlfriend and says I love you, we go all awww. A guy tries it, and we all secretly look for opportunities to call his dad and say he’s gay. And this, when he may anyway under be tremendous stress to flaunt a girlfriend. Tsk tsk.

Poor XY chromosomes. By now I’m sure some enraged girls would’ve already begun making hate groups on Facebook, targetting me. But wait yaar, the heat will be on the guys next week, if I get responses from girls countering today’s piece.

Bring it on, Venus. Sonal Kalra suddenly feels she’s thinking like a guy. Oh sisters of the world, drag her back to the reality of your life!

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Yeah yeah, I am listening to you

Alright, here we are. All you guys who have been grinning from Pune to Patna after last week’s column —please control your emotions now and don’t show your teeth. You knew that girls will get back, didn’t you?

And got back they did in the form of over 800 emails to me in the past seven days, first chiding me for being biased towards men and second bombarding my almost non-existent brain with info about things that guys do which drive women to the wall. Please note that I originally wanted to write on things guys ‘say’ that girls don’t understand, but then I realised that the poor guys don’t really get a chance to speak often, so they don’t really say much. Anyway, I can’t help but confer the ‘best sense of humour ever’ award to God for having made the two genders so different… and so interesting, in the way they think and behave. One universal grudge that the girls who mass-scolded me this week mentioned in their mails was men always claim to listen to what they are saying, when in reality their mind is elsewhere. They also gave quite a colourful description, in their view, of what that ‘elsewhere’ is but then my column comes with a U-certificate from the censor board and I won’t share all of that. Vaise bhi mujhe biased bol hi diya hai, so I can be a little partial to the hapless guys here.

guys-vs-girls-sonal-kalra-calmer-you-column

But yes, it is true that guys have an uncanny ability to exhibit selective deafness when a woman is speaking. It’s another thing that women usually talk so much that the guy’s mind involuntarily switches to the sanity-saving mode. And starts to think about critical things such as work and TV and friends and beer and boobs. There. I said the last word, and I may lose my precious U-certificate but considering how many of you wrote to me about the obsession guys have of talking to a girl’s body parts instead of the whole of her, I had to say this. Anyway, my dear brothers and fathers, please pay attention to some of these other things that are snatching away your maa-behen ki… sleep.

1 ‘I know this route’: Well, what’s with men thinking they come with an in-built GPS? A lot of women complain that even if it means driving round and round in circles, a guy’s ego won’t let him ask for directions to a place, especially when he is with a girl. Eh lo, ab gum hona bhi cool ho gaya? “My husband drives me crazy, literally, by refusing to stop at a corner and asking someone where to turn. Even my brother used to do the same,” wrote Shivani. Funnily enough, when I responded to Shivani’s mail to thank her for the input, her husband Ankur replied. “It’s she who drives me mad. She wants to stop after every 100m and reconfirm what one bystander tells us, with another. Women are directionally challenged, they should just stay quiet,” he wrote. Ankur Bhaiya ab tum toh gaye. One, because you check your wife’s email and two, because in a sudden fit of sadism, I’ve written your real names. Happy dinner tonight!

2 ‘It looks clean to me’: Yeah right. Ask the hapless mum or wife who has asked you for the millionth time to clean up your room or your wardrobe. They will be happy to detail out the mess for you. You would still not get it. From leaving the toilet seat up to a wet towel on the floor, from unwashed denims strewn all over the room to the two chappals who’ve broken up with each other and would never be seen together, guys do it all. What the girls can’t understand is how, when they both studied in the same schools and passed the same CBSE or whatever board, can the meaning of ‘cleanliness’ be understood so differently for the two genders. Let’s sue CBSE, anyone?

3 ‘I was looking at you, not the TV’: A Scottish ‘man’ named J.L Baird, invented television in 1923. It’s been 89 bloody years! And still the men of the world are mesmerised by the invention so much so that they can’t take their eyes off it. No matter what they’re doing. Go out for dinner at a nice restaurant to unwind, and what do you find? A man has thought of this brilliant idea to put up a wall-sized screen with a sports channel running on it. And your man then spends the entire evening glued to some Godforsaken West Indies Vs Shimla match of 1995, ON MUTE, nodding absentmindedly at all inappropriate junctures in the one-sided conversation. Ugh. Nirmal Baba, can you please do something nasty to J.L Baird’s aatma? Reply asap.

4 ’I hardly ever shop!’: When they buy something, it is a necessity. When women buy something, it is wasteful expenditure. Clap, clap. Once I saw a guy friend justify buying four pairs of denims at one go on the pretext of denims being ‘basic necessities’ and he not having anything good in his wardrobe. By the way, all the four were damn expensive and looked exactly the same to me. But when his girlfriend started shopping for her own outfits, the frequency of him looking at the watch became Guinness record worthy.
“You girls take so much time in deciding,” he sulked. Well, yes. Because we buy DIFFERENT clothes mister!There are so many more, but I’m done. This girls Vs guys is a very sentimental topic, you see. Girls are mostly senti, guys are mostly mental and they are always out to change the other according to how they are. I’d say spare yourself the effort. The two are wired very differently. Just pray that when the life on Mars is being decided, the tender for creation goes to a different God. Mr Kejriwal, please ensure fairness.
Sonal Kalra thinks that if men and women are asked to live each others’ lives for a month, everything will go quiet in the world. Sadma lag jayega.