Tag Archives: Love Affairs

A Calmer You: Abki baar, careful yaar

Ma’am mujhe phir se sachcha pyaar ho gaya hai,’ writes Mukundan Dixit. He sends me a mail whenever he falls in ‘true love’. He sends me a mail every two months. I have several problems with Mukundan. To start with, he should remove either the first two letters or the last two letters from his name, because, you know, you can’t force-mix two perfectly valid names to produce something that requires your lips to form an awkward circular shape, each time you call out.

A Calmer You Abki baar careful yaar

Maybe, just maybe, this ­awkwardness is not letting sachcha pyaar stay on in his life for long. Who knows. Vaise who knows what sachcha pyaar is, in the first place. I don’t. Mukundan certainly doesn’t. Half of the young janta reading this column right now and texting their ‘steady’ ones from the other hand don’t. Most of us latch on to the first relationship that seems ­reasonably okay to us, and try to squeeze-fit it into the sachcha pyaar mould. Which is actually not a bad thing, considering that relationships are meant to be a lot about accepting and adapting. But then anything you squeeze too much, bursts out after a while. Science ka kuchh funda hota hai, so don’t ask me why.

So Mukundan and others like him, stay in a perpetual quest for true love and send mails to velle columnists like me, who themselves may be going through shit in life but never lose an opportunity to shell out advice just because they are perceived as experts. Well then, Muku, here’s what I think. Relationships being a very personal thing and all that, I probably can’t tell you who to opt for, but I can sure tell you what kind of a person to NOT go for. And since I don’t know or care which way you swing, this advice is gender-neutral. Run the latest candidate of your sachcha pyaar through these five moulds. And if she/he doesn’t fit in either, hang on in this relationship. And do not send me another mail so soon.

1 The unapologetic: A relationship in which only one person is always seen apologising is the most doomed of all to not be happy. An unapologetic partner – boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, is always trying to tell you that all that’s wrong is your fault. The partner who gets used to apologising for everything so that fights and arguments can be avoided, is actually getting used to slowly killing his/her self-esteem. And that, is never good in life. Close your eyes and recall the last time your partner said sorry to you over something. No matter whose fault it was. If what flashes before you are visuals only of yourself pleading and apologising, it’s time to open the eyes. Literally and otherwise.

2 The polar opposite: Yeah, I know ‘the opposites attract’ theory but if only life was till the stages of attraction. Life actually begins when the attraction settles down. And it is here that similarities matter way more than differences. I’ve seen people gloating about how they and their partners are like north-south poles, completely different, and yet so synchronised, and that adds spice to their lives. It’s absolutely great if it works for them, but in most cases, the extra spice starts to choke you, if you know what I’m saying. There isn’t too much distance to travel between ‘I LOVE my boyfriend’s shy nature’ to ‘Oh God, kuchh bolta hi nahi hai’ to ‘I can’t stay with him, he has complex issues.’ Don’t look for a replica of yourself in another gender, but don’t also fall for one who you share absolutely no common interests with. That’s two lives wasted. We are quick to match horoscopes even in this day and age. How about a compatibility quiz as annexure?

3 The non committal: A person who keeps hanging you in the lurch for small or big decisions is not just not respecting you enough, but also giving subtle hints that the relationship itself may not matter enough to them. I get countless mails from young people who are stuck in a ‘I love him/her but they say we are only good friends’ stage. Yes, not everyone is as proficient in moving on as Kundan and normal people need time to take decisions about committing but if for months or years, someone is just giving you the ‘let us explore where this goes’ line, they are bullshitting and you should know it. Now puhleez, don’t you go ‘But, I can’t take her out of my mind’ on me. Devdaas dekhne ko maine kaha thaa? Move on. There are Madhuri Dixits waiting ahead. (PS: Mukundan Dixit, this advice is not applicable to you)

4 The Unequal: You know, I have no regard for differences of caste, culture, religion, age, race etc when it comes to love. As long as the two people share a certain common value system that they imbibed while growing up. If there’s way too much inequity in the very socio-economic set-up two people grow up in, it takes its toll on a relationship. Bollywood films that show a coolie falling for a multi-millionaire’s daughter or TV documentaries about an American tourist marrying an illiterate farmer in an Indian village, make for an interesting watch, but perhaps not a very practical life. Anyway, I might be incorrect and also sachcha pyaar may be above all these differences, but I see no harm in keeping the ears open in case alarm bells about a wide inequity between you and your crush are somewhere ringing in the background. Do you?

5 The guilt-giver: This kind of a partner will ruin your life. Almost surely. A person who claims to love you but consistently makes you feel like a loser is not just being consciously or subconsciously manipulative, but is also distorting the very idea of what’s right or wrong, in your head. Sample this mail I got yesterday from a 16-year-old in Indore: “I and my boyfriend love each other too much. On the day he proposed, he made me promise that I won’t talk in a friendly way to any other boys in the class. I always kept my promise but last week when a boy commented on my FB post, I replied back with a smiley, and exchanged two comments with him. I have been feeling horrible ever since and I confessed to my BF. He shouted at me and says he wants to break-up as I’ve broken his trust. How do I tell him I’ll never repeat the mistake?” Well my dear Indore-girl, yes there is a grave mistake in your life. Sadly, you’ve not written his name. Need I say more?

Sonal Kalra is writing a ‘how to find sachcha pyaar for dummies’ guide. Any publishers interested?

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A Calmer You: Valentine’s Day ke side effects!

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Love it or hate it…celebrate it or sulk in a corner, this luv-shuv and V-Day tamasha can have only one outcome. Ask me! It’s that time of the year again. You are either gloating with mush about celebrating love or shaking your head @10 times an hour about what a tamasha western concepts like Valentine’s Day have made our lives to be.

A Calmer You Valentine’s Day ke side effects

You are either checking out gifting ideas which are, le de kar, limited to chocolates or teddy bears or getting blue in the face telling the world that all 365 days, and not just one, are meant for love.

Whatever it is, my funda is simple- it’s gonna bring stress in the end. Don’t believe me? Take the test and see for yourself.

Sonal Kalra is too mature and evolved to buy herself a teddy bear on 14th February. So only heart-shaped balloons would do. 

"My Parents Just Dont Understand me" .. like .. really ?

Aeons have passed since the apparently ‘never going to end’ war between the not so modern parents and their so very inexperienced kids has been going on! Almost everyday I come across this topic, posts of children on social networking sites railing against their parents for not being modern enough to accept their child’s romantic relationship with someone else followed by the morose “Why me ?” and the melancholic “ My parents just don’t understand me” … I mean come on people they are YOUR PARENTS doing everything just for you and you harass all their concern with this “Why me?”

Kids Fight with parents relationship issues

Why ME” Revisited.

Just the other day a cousin of mine (13 years and 4 months old to be precise) almost on the verge of drowning in the lake of depression started telling me how her parents suspected her without any reason and kept a check on her phone without any fault of hers which yet again was followed by the morose “why me” ,and not to forget..the melancholic “My parents just don’t understand me” with such a deplorable expression that it actually made me go “ Ohh poor her ! How insensitive can parents be sometimes” when just the next minute with a current of exhilaration in her voice did she start telling me about her ‘boyfriend’ (oh yes and its the very boyfriend without any space or hyphen between the BOY and the FRIEND) , Mr Dude , and how she loved to spend time with her Mr Dude ! Oh come on … there you are … that is the very reason why you are in the “Why me” state.

Well i know all the youngsters out there must be snarling at me but just think .. think of the reason the elders tell us not to get involved in this stuff! I know how it feels for I’m not a fairy-tale princess either but I’ve grown up learning from my experiences as well. After all these years I can feel that I’m a better person bereft of all sorts of worries and tensions and not to forget , the fear of being ‘caught’ . Yes I’m just another teenager but more than that i am a person who learns from the experiences. And i definitely do not fall in with the sentence that one can learn from others’ experience , unless one is a total cheater cock , just like one’s thirst can never be quenched by seeing the other gulping down water! But all i intend to do is instil a thought in your brain which will coerce you to give it another thought .

Lessen The Burden!

The fact of the matter is that we are actually kids. Yes, kids switching over to adulthood, but not yet adults and this fact makes a mammoth of a difference. The thing is that when YOU actually become an adult, you’ll laugh at (or sometimes even regret) all this. Parents are somewhere actually right because it is the “happy times” we’d be missing on by involving in relationships.

The reality is that we actually can’t handle it because we aint mature enough ! Lucky those people are who are able to but as far as I’ve seen and the recent Confession pages on Facebook have shown, most cant . No wonder we see umpteen number of teens feeling depressed and OVERBURDENED because of this extra burden they carry which they aren’t even ready to carry!

The grim truth is not that the parents aren’t supportive but that you aren’t smart enough and it is but natural. You feel infatuated , you become friends, you get in a relationship , you do blunders , it finally ends up , you regret and are left with sheer bittersweet memories which attract you and sway you away. You end up sleeping on wet pillows, updating distressing statuses, becoming a mere hardboiled recluse. You end up disliking fun and finally become a humdrum person until you again come at the first infatuation stage and the cycle continues.So many heartbreaks, unfulfilled promises and nonsense done. But did you ever think how nice it would have been if you had limited it to just becoming friends. Then you would have been bereft of all kinds of fears and worries and would have even continued to be with that person instead of being ruefully separated like in your case! You would have been happy then. You would have felt free, no one to blame, nothing to regret. Now if you are not as flickering as the streetlight near my house, you would have got my point!

These years are the golden years of your life where you get a chance to be free and ENJOY because after that you will eventually have to face the vagaries of life. Why not just enjoy this freedom with no regrets and morose “Why Me”s . All you gotta do is be real and sensible and live the life which you’re meant to live. Love is a big word and if it is love, it doesn’t end so quickly.

However, since you can see that it mostly doesn’t ‘work out’ you should give it a thought that it is an imposter in the form of love, fooling you all the way long. The decision remains in your hand : to be or not to be a fool. For one thing we all know is that to find a 13-year-old , or even a 16-year-old for that matter, falling in “love” can sometimes be really hilarious but we all that once even we had gone through this stage. Life is all about choices you make .. so make better choices to make your life better! Stay Happy!

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Like Older Women to Marry?

I just read news about Bar Refali, a 26 year old Israeli supermodel who says she has a crush on 18 year teen popstar Justein Beiber and feels one day they will be getting married. This news reports on Page 4 of Hindustan Times and carries a photograph of the supermodel….( Man! She’s hot…!)

 

I really wonder why the relationship of an older girl and younger guy is looked upon with raised eyebrows, with certain amount of disapproval and insanity. I really don’t get the logic why the girl has to be younger than the boy in the so- called “ideal relationship model ’’ created by the society. Do these guys have any idea, how such a forced convention play havoc with the   love –life of many individuals around this world who don’t choose partners on the basis of freaking  conventions  forced  by this society? Also it kills the chances of our flirting with older girls! Dude that’s pathetic for us but I am sure you old –society guys don’t give a piece of mind to it. 

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bachpan se hume kaha gaya hai , ki jo humse bade hote hain, wo hamare bhaiya ya didi hote hain.”

………quoted by someone close

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Yup that’s right and it is something every one of us has come across many a times during our growing up. It happens that you are visiting your neighbor’s house and they already have guests, you come across this beautiful shy girl who’s watching you from the corner of her eyes but before you can even appreciate her beauty, yours  Not-So –Understanding (NSU) old uncle kicks in.

(NSU-UNCLE)-Astha beta!! Apne chote bhaiya se milo, ye humare padosh mein rehte hai… :P

[And then he scornfully looks at u….]

YOU: :(  🙁  🙁  :(.., Screw You!!!  Old penguin…!

And then all of a sudden the shy beautiful-chick takes form of an Irritating-Vintage-Sick-Aunty.

(Somebody has rightly said it’s all about paradigm and perception…poor guy!)

But, whatever the society feels. I think the old-girl and young-guy relationship rocks and it is as normal as any other relationship.( I can’t promise that if the girls happens to be taller than the guy..It really sucks then!!…  L

But Who wouldn’t want a more experienced, more caring, wiser partner…Whom you can trust and in the mean time you can enjoy your carefree self, because someone more matured is there to care for you. J

who will explain this to girls? Being in a relationship with a younger guy is like an insult to them (due to the virtue of rules set by society) Come On! Girls! Look at the Guy! Not his Age and think for yourself not for society… because it’s your life.

Poetically “Love has no boundaries, no religion, no age, no gender( it’s for my gay bros and lesbi sis.),……” and also “ love is blind” but The Problem is that lovers do know boundaries and they ain’t blind in most of the cases…so in the end we reach in a very perplex situation. But still I would like you to break boundaries, let the Magic of Love blind your eyes, be Stupid, Go Crazy… Maybe that’s what’s Love and Trust all about!!

(Again visiting your neighbor and meeting a new girl there)

YOU:   Namaste UNCLE!

NEW GIRL: Hii! :)

NSU UNCLE: Beta! Rishika apne bade bhaiya se milo ye humare pados mein rehtein hain!! :P

NEW GIRL: Oh… hello BHAIYA!

YOU: (slowly) This World sucks!! :(

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Hey cupid, do i look stupid?

Arrey jao, nahi karna celebrate Valentine shalentine day, kar lo jo karna hai. Am sick and tired of every vella asking every other about their plans for V-Day. I just don’t get this needless pressure to celebrate, be it New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s Day. Do you? For me, the stress to plan or gift something only because a lot of people have asked, takes away the spontaneity and fun out of celebrations.

hey-cupid-do-i-look-stupid-calmness-tips-for-one-sided-love-people

And as if Valentine’s Day — whose origin and logic is a mystery to more than 90% of those who dutifully flock restaurants, suffer long waiting, and end up paying twice as much — was not enough, now there is a Rose Day, a Propose Day, a Morose Day, an Afsos Day or whatever, in the run up. Anyway, I’m just ranting, the existence of these days is not the topic of discussion today. The spotlight, this week, is on those who are sitting, with a rose, and their head, in their hands because they are the unfortunate victims of OSL syndrome. One-sided-love. Typical filmi style, I love Sunita, but Sunita loves Anita…oops.. Amit, Amit loves someone else and so on. Aao sabko thappad lagaoon. What a big tamasha our life is.

[stextbox id=”info”]Calmness Tips for People with One-Sided-Love Syndrome [Valentine’s Day Special][/stextbox]

And then suddenly this OSL becomes the focus of their existence, they can’t help but keep on thinking about the person they have a crush on, who, for some reason, does not feel the same way about them. I’ve been at the receiving end of several mails from OSL sufferers this week. And in the interest of humanity, I’m attempting calmness tips for them rather than for those mushy buffoons who’ve already spent three months of pocket money on buying gifts for their girlfriend which she would receive with an awww and tears on Feb 14 and exchange with the store on the 15th. No need to fret, the OSL gang, calmness awaits you.

1 Have you said it right?:

Before you go all teary-eyed on how the person you love doesn’t love you back, just be sure that you’ve expressed how you feel, clearly and in the right manner. The worst would be to move on from someone ‘assuming’ they don’t feel the same way, when they perhaps would have, had you expressed clearly. And since this one thing is likely to have a big impact on your future, be upfront, clear and un-dramatic, in the way you put across your feelings.

In other words, don’t get into the farce of waiting for the Propose Day, buying cards with hearts drawn on every free inch, and writing cheesy lines picked up from the Internet. And if a romantic relationship is what you are proposing, be mature, sensible and clear about it. Don’t mumble vague things such as ‘I want fraandship’ with you, which then gives the other person a chance to throw back equally stupid replies such as ‘but we are already fraands’, when they jolly well know what’s being implied in the proposal. So, unless your OSL is for someone who is already committed in a relationship — in which case go ahead, slap yourself — say clearly why you feel the two of you are right for each other, and how it would be a good idea to explore taking it to the next level. Sorry, now that I’ve written it, I realise that my advice sounds more apt for a corporate proposal. Sigh. Okay, buy the damn heart-shaped card but don’t be tacky. Please.

2 Learn to take ‘No’:

Now, you expressed your feelings but the other person replied that he/she doesn’t think the same way about you. Well, too bad, but that’s it. THAT’S IT. Not an earth shattering development and certainly not the end of the world. Yes, it is disappointing but do not make the mistake of over-reacting and thinking of it as a ‘rejection’ of you as a person. As I wrote in last week’s column about break-ups, someone not wanting to be with you is about them, not about you. Everyone has a right to choose who they want to be with. Grant them that right, and don’t go all bitter because you are not who they want. Also, don’t trample your self-respect by harping on it even after they’ve clarified their response. Remember, it’s not easy for them too, and a lot of people hesitate from giving a clear negative response to a proposal. But for your own good, learn to interpret it correctly, and to let go. Anyone who says things like ‘I do feel for you but my parents would never agree’ or ‘I think you are great and anyone would be lucky to have you, but right now my focus is my career’ is essentially saying ‘No, thanks’ but doesn’t want to be rude. Don’t prolong their agony, and yours, by not understanding their response and insisting that you’ll convince the parents when the right time comes. They know it already, and have still said ‘No’. Learn to take it.

3 Move on:

Are you the King of the World? Or God? Even if you are, there’s no guarantee that everything in life would work out the way you want it to. You felt for someone, but it didn’t work out. Now move on. There’s too much to do, to accomplish in life. Love, or the lack of it, is just a part of our life’s journey. Don’t try to convert that part into the entire whole. Doesn’t work that way. Staring for too long at a closed door takes our attention away from all the other doors that are lying open. Phew! Itna gyan toh Aastha channel pe bhi nahi milta. Please grasp it before I get indigestion from saying all these wise things. I promise not to write any more senti columns on the matters of heart. Too much ho gaya… here’s my parting advice and the most important, golden rule of love. ‘If ever there’s a choice in life, always go for someone who loves you, rather than someone who you love.’ Khush rahoge, mind it.

Sonal Kalra thinks Valentine’s Day is one of the biggest causes behind the state of bad mental health in India. Research, anyone?