Tag Archives: Relationships

A Calmer You: Abki baar, careful yaar

Ma’am mujhe phir se sachcha pyaar ho gaya hai,’ writes Mukundan Dixit. He sends me a mail whenever he falls in ‘true love’. He sends me a mail every two months. I have several problems with Mukundan. To start with, he should remove either the first two letters or the last two letters from his name, because, you know, you can’t force-mix two perfectly valid names to produce something that requires your lips to form an awkward circular shape, each time you call out.

A Calmer You Abki baar careful yaar

Maybe, just maybe, this ­awkwardness is not letting sachcha pyaar stay on in his life for long. Who knows. Vaise who knows what sachcha pyaar is, in the first place. I don’t. Mukundan certainly doesn’t. Half of the young janta reading this column right now and texting their ‘steady’ ones from the other hand don’t. Most of us latch on to the first relationship that seems ­reasonably okay to us, and try to squeeze-fit it into the sachcha pyaar mould. Which is actually not a bad thing, considering that relationships are meant to be a lot about accepting and adapting. But then anything you squeeze too much, bursts out after a while. Science ka kuchh funda hota hai, so don’t ask me why.

So Mukundan and others like him, stay in a perpetual quest for true love and send mails to velle columnists like me, who themselves may be going through shit in life but never lose an opportunity to shell out advice just because they are perceived as experts. Well then, Muku, here’s what I think. Relationships being a very personal thing and all that, I probably can’t tell you who to opt for, but I can sure tell you what kind of a person to NOT go for. And since I don’t know or care which way you swing, this advice is gender-neutral. Run the latest candidate of your sachcha pyaar through these five moulds. And if she/he doesn’t fit in either, hang on in this relationship. And do not send me another mail so soon.

1 The unapologetic: A relationship in which only one person is always seen apologising is the most doomed of all to not be happy. An unapologetic partner – boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, is always trying to tell you that all that’s wrong is your fault. The partner who gets used to apologising for everything so that fights and arguments can be avoided, is actually getting used to slowly killing his/her self-esteem. And that, is never good in life. Close your eyes and recall the last time your partner said sorry to you over something. No matter whose fault it was. If what flashes before you are visuals only of yourself pleading and apologising, it’s time to open the eyes. Literally and otherwise.

2 The polar opposite: Yeah, I know ‘the opposites attract’ theory but if only life was till the stages of attraction. Life actually begins when the attraction settles down. And it is here that similarities matter way more than differences. I’ve seen people gloating about how they and their partners are like north-south poles, completely different, and yet so synchronised, and that adds spice to their lives. It’s absolutely great if it works for them, but in most cases, the extra spice starts to choke you, if you know what I’m saying. There isn’t too much distance to travel between ‘I LOVE my boyfriend’s shy nature’ to ‘Oh God, kuchh bolta hi nahi hai’ to ‘I can’t stay with him, he has complex issues.’ Don’t look for a replica of yourself in another gender, but don’t also fall for one who you share absolutely no common interests with. That’s two lives wasted. We are quick to match horoscopes even in this day and age. How about a compatibility quiz as annexure?

3 The non committal: A person who keeps hanging you in the lurch for small or big decisions is not just not respecting you enough, but also giving subtle hints that the relationship itself may not matter enough to them. I get countless mails from young people who are stuck in a ‘I love him/her but they say we are only good friends’ stage. Yes, not everyone is as proficient in moving on as Kundan and normal people need time to take decisions about committing but if for months or years, someone is just giving you the ‘let us explore where this goes’ line, they are bullshitting and you should know it. Now puhleez, don’t you go ‘But, I can’t take her out of my mind’ on me. Devdaas dekhne ko maine kaha thaa? Move on. There are Madhuri Dixits waiting ahead. (PS: Mukundan Dixit, this advice is not applicable to you)

4 The Unequal: You know, I have no regard for differences of caste, culture, religion, age, race etc when it comes to love. As long as the two people share a certain common value system that they imbibed while growing up. If there’s way too much inequity in the very socio-economic set-up two people grow up in, it takes its toll on a relationship. Bollywood films that show a coolie falling for a multi-millionaire’s daughter or TV documentaries about an American tourist marrying an illiterate farmer in an Indian village, make for an interesting watch, but perhaps not a very practical life. Anyway, I might be incorrect and also sachcha pyaar may be above all these differences, but I see no harm in keeping the ears open in case alarm bells about a wide inequity between you and your crush are somewhere ringing in the background. Do you?

5 The guilt-giver: This kind of a partner will ruin your life. Almost surely. A person who claims to love you but consistently makes you feel like a loser is not just being consciously or subconsciously manipulative, but is also distorting the very idea of what’s right or wrong, in your head. Sample this mail I got yesterday from a 16-year-old in Indore: “I and my boyfriend love each other too much. On the day he proposed, he made me promise that I won’t talk in a friendly way to any other boys in the class. I always kept my promise but last week when a boy commented on my FB post, I replied back with a smiley, and exchanged two comments with him. I have been feeling horrible ever since and I confessed to my BF. He shouted at me and says he wants to break-up as I’ve broken his trust. How do I tell him I’ll never repeat the mistake?” Well my dear Indore-girl, yes there is a grave mistake in your life. Sadly, you’ve not written his name. Need I say more?

Sonal Kalra is writing a ‘how to find sachcha pyaar for dummies’ guide. Any publishers interested?

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A Calmer You: So, are you a shakki partner?

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Today’s relationships: you can touch each other but not each others’ phones. Can’t help it ma’am’… is how Suvir describes his behaviour to me in an email. In reference to how he can’t help but doubt his girlfriend’s loyalty, every now and then. It wasn’t Suvir, by the way, who got in touch with me to begin with. It was his girlfriend who’s a regular reader of the column, and wrote to me asking for calmness tips on overcoming a bitter breakup.

Breakups don’t catch my attention, as you know, but the reason here did. ‘I found him checking my phone when I was in the loo,’ she wrote. ‘I’m sick and tired of telling him that I’m not cheating on him. He still gets these pangs of suspicion. It was suffocating to be spied upon like this,’ she wrote, marking a copy of the email to Suvir. Fair enough, girl. It is indeed suffocating to be mistrusted by your partner or spouse. But curious as I was to know why someone would risk jeopardising a good relationship by being overly suspicious, I wrote back to them. Here’s what Suvir had to say. ‘I know I’m behaving crazy but I’m paranoid. The thought that she may be seeing someone else when she’s not with me drives me mad. What makes it worse is her reluctance to reveal her phone or email password to me. I won’t go around reading her mails, but the thought that she refuses, puts one hell of a doubt in my head. When I’m ready to share my passwords with her, why can’t she do the same to put me at ease? I feel so terribly stressed.’

A Calmer You So, are you a shakki partner

Sad, isn’t it? No, I’m not talking about his girlfriend’s situation. It’s of course unfortunate to be stuck with a partner who doubts your loyalty, but imagine how traumatic it must also be for the person who’s constantly agonised by suspicious thoughts, the ones that are known to eat you from inside. So while there’ll be several shoulders for Suvir’s girlfriend to cry on, since her perspective is obviously in the clear, I want to extend mine to Suvir today, and analyse his stress. Let’s look at how to come to terms with the incessant urge to suspect your partner…

1. Accept the problem: This may make me sound arrogant, but I refuse to advise people who are not ready to believe that they have a problem. Bahot time waste hota hai, with people who don’t listen with an open mind and think that their viewpoint is always the valid one. Maybe it is so sometimes, but at least open up to the possibility that it isn’t. If you are constantly jealous and suspicious of your partner, irrespective of the gender, and always try to justify it by saying that you do it only because you love them, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Admit it. There’s a difference between pretending to be playfully possessive of your partner in front of friends, and creating fake Facebook accounts and sending a friend request to your boyfriend. If most of your free time goes in thinking about why he/she was online on WhatsApp late at night, and those thoughts become the cause of a majority of your fights, you, my dear, need to do something about it sooner than you think.

2. Take the suspicion test: Ask yourself these questions each time you suffer from an uncontrollable bout of jealousy or doubt about your partner and are unsure if it is the right thing to do…
a) Am I being guided by the present or the past?: In a surprising majority of cases, people doubt their current partners because they are scarred by a previous relationship where someone cheated on them. It’s natural. It’s still not justified. A lingering pain from the past can keep you from objectively looking at your partner’s completely harmless action. Do remember that if someone broke your trust in the past, it’s precisely why you aren’t with them today. The matter ended there. It wasn’t the doing of your present partner. Do not make them suffer for someone else’s faults. Stop living in the past… God’s already made the correction here, hasn’t He?
b) Am I reacting or responding? : There’s a big difference between the two. You react to emotions, you respond to facts. Getting into a heated argument with your husband on seeing a girl’s SMS on his phone is a reaction. A knee-jerk at that. Try asking him first — politely — on what it’s all about. And be open to trusting his answer. If you still find him evasive, maybe it’s justified arguing it any further. Otherwise you would have just wasted a few moments you and your partner could have spent in saying, or doing, something nice!
c) Am I insecure? : In most cases, it is a deep sense of insecurity that makes people throw a suspicious fit. Stop thinking that you aren’t good enough for your partner. People are smarter than you think. We may keep talking about love at first sight and some such blah but deep inside, everyone analyses a potential partner before diving into a relationship. Your partner hasn’t got into it blindfolded. He or she found you good enough, and if at some point they don’t, your jealousy is not gonna make them stay. So stop this self-bashing and feel good about yourself. Only then someone else will.

3. Is it worth it? : One of the easiest but the worst thing we often do in a relationship is shove the obvious signs that something’s wrong, under the carpet. We prefer to live in denial, only because we aren’t brave enough to face the repercussions. If you find yourself in a relationship where your partner’s actions are leading to a fight almost everyday, be it an affair or marriage, think about whether it’s worth being in it. I know, I know, you are itching to give me gyaan on how it’s easier said than done, how it’s practically not feasible etc. But being miserable yourself and making another person miserable in the name of practical feasibility is no genius act either. Base your decision to stay in a relationship on facts, not suspicion. On evidence, not instincts. On happiness, not fear. And then if the logical thing is to move away, so be it.

Sonal Kalra showed this writeup to a colleague and he called it useless. Instead, give practical tips to hack into your girlfriend’s phone without getting caught, he said.

Together or happily together

There I am sitting in my office with a colleague and friend of mine listening to her over and over again about her latest relationship issue with her boyfriend. As she is telling me about the umpteenth time about how her boyfriend kept a secret from her that he had a fling with a girl around eight years ago before even meeting my friend. As she pines on about how she is feeling betrayed and offended by his behaviour I take a few moments to look at our new trending relationships. I feel that there has been a massive change in the sense of the word ‘Relationship’. Be it couples, friends or families….Now with a modern lifestyle, a pressurizing multinational job, a home and a family to take care of our ways of dealing with relationship hues and blues have changed. Or have they? It has become more and more difficult to stay happy and contented. But most of the times we are the only ones to create the illusion of unhappiness in a smooth life. Let’s take a look at a few things on which our relationships are based.

happily together

Honesty…*!#$@#!? Yes Dear

What meaning does the term honesty hold to you? Apart from being truthful about the basic things in our lives there is a fine line in being honest and preventing a heart-break or an argument. Are you honest to your husband or boyfriend that you were dream looking at that greek god kind of guy in the mall who oh.. by the way was also helping in shopping for his girlfriend. Uhgghh! So jealous! While your better half was trying to figure out which pant size he has grown into. Or do you tell them that you would rather be watching ‘Himmatwala’ than going bowling with him, his friends and their show-off wives. Oh and to be honest ‘Himmatwala’ also needs a whole new level of courage to sit through!

And now over to the men. Do you guys ever muck up the guts to say it to your girlfriend or wife that she still looks the same even after spending ten hours at the parlour and the amount of money by which you could have gladly bought a new lazy boy chair for you. Now that would have been beautiful. Isn’t it? And yes do you remember the time when you had gone to a wedding and your girl got mad with the fact that you were staring at that hot bod girl in a saree with the flat stomach (That b*@#ch! Don’t they ever eat anything?) And you got away with an excuse that she looked anorexic! Of course a little plump girl also looks cute…Who needs to be with a flat board anyway!….So whatever our reasons to be honest of this ‘kind’ they sure can come helpful when trying to save yourself the trouble of getting in an ugly place in your relationship or better..to stay happy in it.

Love…The wow word

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of love? Is it a typical romantic Hollywood movie which you saw and wanted it to come true with flowers, chocolates, kisses and mushiness or the kind of love which can actually stay alive for a very long time in reality. In the starting phase of our relationship we really do enjoy the pampering and the attention which slowly fizzles out and you realise that now you are not boggling your brains out about which dress you should wear to your evening date rather you are quizzed about which is the best and safe money investment plan which can be helpful for your future.

But are we not missing out on a few details here. Why do you think your wife cooks your favourite ‘gajar ka halwa’ and ‘kheer’ every second day when she doesn’t even has a sweet tooth? Or why doesn’t she ever fail to keep your lucky blue shirt all washed and ironed before your every big presentation. And girls why do you think that your husband always switches on the hot water in the morning before you have to get up and start working on your day. He didn’t remember Valentine’s day but still somehow never forgets to give you your vitamins every day. Aren’t these the kinds of things which make us feel loved and cared of? Sure we all have a very busy life but we need to take a moment and notice that love doesn’t always need to be a Mills & Boon novel but hey….it’s not that bad either.

Space…Yeah. We all need it.

Now, I think you know what I am talking about. But still I am going to take the liberty of explaining it for some of us who are alien to this concept. Come on ladies I’ll talk to you first. Do you like it when your husband or boyfriend calls you every thirty minutes to ask how you are? What are you doing? Where and with whom are you? Yes I know it makes you go crazy. So why don’t you too give your spouse a little break from this. Whenever he goes out with his guys or even at home sometimes you need to just let him be. You have to stop nagging about every single little thing that you told them to do but he didn’t or forgot to. Sometimes all you need to do is to enjoy each other’s company and let each other breathe…(You can do a little bit of nagging later…I know work just doesn’t happen without it either!)

And guys you also need to know that your girl also needs a little time off. Do you know how many things are going on in their head? You don’t even think as much in two days that she covers in an hour! Let her also get off the wheel and relax. I’m going to spare you from recounting the list of her side of work and activities (You’re welcome.)

Talking…Hmmm.

The last thing which I would like to conclude in our discussion is talking. Well we girls sure have a master’s degree in it but I am not talking about the gossips in which we include our men. Like the latest piece of jewellery your neighbour was wearing or how you think you have gained weight (sniff!..touchy topic). But you know I can go on and on. And boys we girls aren’t exactly interested in your hours long discussion about sports or business talk either. Some of these topics just fly over our head!

What I mean to say is that sometimes we just forget to say things that hold much importance than these. Like telling your wife who is exhausted from her hectic day that how much you appreciate her and love her. (Yes..We love to hear it). And girls I know your guy can be a great listener (sometimes with a blank expression) but you got to give him a chance to be able to open up to you. Just let him know that if something is bothering him you are also there for him too.

So people…problems are there in everyone’s lives but we should feel lucky and thankful that we have got someone with us to get over them. It’s not exactly a perfect life but together we can make it. Hmmpfh! Now that I have spoken a lot…excuse me..i have to get back to listening to my friend.

A calmer you: say this to a guy at your own risk

It’s time to look at what can get a guy all flared up in no time. Alright boys of the world, I’m on your side this week. After you graciously accepted what I wrote last week about things you should never, ever, say to a woman, I’ve got to talk about what women say that makes you feel like banging your head on the wall. A lot of you have mailed me suggestions out of your own experience and it’s interesting to see that men from Bahrain to Bhatinda can’t stand to hear the same things, but their girlfriends or wives refuse to oblige. Let’s look at what tops the no-go territory when it comes to your guy.

A calmer you say this to a guy at your own risk
1. We need to talk: You want to see your man run away faster than Usain Bolt? Utter these four words and see him magically disappear. Men claim any such ‘talk’ about the relationship always ends in emotional outbursts, tears and no solution. They are right. You see, men are genetically incapable of handling a woman’s tears and they behave in weird ways when confronted by them. Just because you’ve read relationship articles by fancy shrinks that say you should ‘talk out a problem’, it doesn’t mean that your man has suddenly become capable of handling lengthy conversations about how he doesn’t love you as much as he used to. I’m not anti-communication. By all means talk, but why announce it in a scary way and set the alarm bells ringing in his head?
2. You are a mommy’s boy: Aha. Tell me girl, If you have suicidal tendencies, why don’t you sit on bed of grenades and light agarbattis all around? Why bring his mother into every conversation and watch your relationship slowly kill you. He’s as touchy about mom as you may be about gender-equality. . ,and no woman leaves an opportunity to hint it if she can. You want peace in life? Just stop comparing yourself with his mother and remove the suspicion from your mind that he does it either. Someday, you’ll also be a mom to someone in a relationship, and a positive attitude would come in handy.

3. Look at your friends: It’s tricky to say anything about the friends in your man’s life. Don’t like them and he gets mad. Like them a lot and … err … you know what I’m saying. So you are doomed either way. But going on and on about how his friends are either useless, or are way better than him in terms of being more successful or more caring etc is guaranteed to get fireworks. Avoid comparison, avoid arguments. Period.

4. You always___and you never___: Fill anything in these blanks and your guy will hate to hear it. The problem with us women is that we are too quick to generalise. We don’t stick to the specific argument at hand and start passing judgment on the very personality of our boyfriend or husband by using terms like ‘always’ and ‘never’. And yeah, another term to avoid like plague is ‘anymore’. This is how you say it — ‘you don’t love me anymore. You don’t buy me flowers anymore. You don’t listen to me anymore’. This is how he hears it — ‘blah blah, blah blah, blah blah.’ Blah.
5. Have you been losing hair?: Haww … did you actually say it? Why didn’t you die before you did? Remember that hair is to men what weight is to women. Take a pledge and repeat after me. I-will-never-tell-a-man-he’s-going-bald. Alright? Now take a deep breath and listen. All men want a full crop on their head. Yes, even Rakesh Roshan does. When they can’t get it for some reason, they get into all sorts of things — transplant, shave-off, depression. Don’t add to the misery by ‘lovingly’ pointing out a receding hairline to your guy. He already knows it. He’s been crying in front of the bathroom mirror for two hours everyday. And yep, the same goes for pointing out a beer belly. Girls think ‘tumhara pet nikal raha hai’ is a cute sentence. Guys think girls should be sentenced for this.

Sonal Kalra is starting a relationship counselling service. She’ll announce the date the moment she gets back on talking terms with her husband.

A Calmer You: Say this to women at your own risk

Want to stay alive? Don’t say these five things to your woman, ever. I know hundreds of articles have already been written on this subject by experts from Tokyo to Timbuktu. But before you go rolling your eyes, tell me, have the men of the world learnt? If you are among those who had a fight with their girlfriend or wife not more than 36 hours ago, you would know that they haven’t. So, I still wanna take up this lost cause in the hope that it will knock some sense in some heads, especially that of my friend Jayant, for whom the number of ‘Go To Hells’ have far exceeded the number of ‘I Love Yous’ in his romantic life.

A Calmer You Say this to women at your own risk
So, what exactly is it that men say to the female species that guarantees hell on earth? Here’s my countdown of what to avoid like plague if you wish to reach even the ‘C’ of calmness.
5You remind me of a girl I used to have a crush on’: Ha ha, think you are paying a compliment, you idiot? Any talk about your ex-classmate/collegemate/neighbour/colleague or worse yet, your ex-girlfriend or wife will accomplish only one thing — make her wonder why they still exist in your head. This is true even if you are trying to shit-talk about your ex to flatter your current partner, like ‘my ex-wife never cared for me the way you do.’ Stop, stop, stop. It won’t work. Do not bring ex-es into conversations, even if sometimes your girl may herself try to. It’s a trap honey, always backfires.
4 ‘Are you PMSing?’: If you think you are scoring a point in an argument by showing off your knowledge of female hormonal functions, God help you my friend. Don’t ask your girlfriend if she’s grumpy because she’s about to have her periods. It’ll make the argument worse, especially if she indeed is in a pre-menstrual grouchy phase. Remember, men, too, have hormonal situations of a different kind, and a discussion on those could reserve a special place in hell for you in future arguments for years to come.
3 ‘How many boyfriends have you had in the past?’: Would it make you happy if she replied, ‘seven’? Would it please you even if she said ‘just one’? Basically, the answer to this question can only take your mood in one direction — downwards. Because even if she said none, you wouldn’t actually believe her. So why do you want to know? I don’t understand this hopelessly faulty logic about starting relationships on ‘honesty and truth’. No one is asking you to lie. But why volunteer head-on into an account of past romantic misdeeds needlessly because the truth is that deep inside, you don’t really want to know.
2 Anything bad … or too good, about her friends. Calling your girlfriend’s best friend a dud may make her upset. Calling her hot will make her upset. Basically anything much that you say about her friends is treading into potential girlfriend-enraging territory. Try to lie low and not comment too much on her pals, especially those under the gender ‘female’. Every girl on this planet suffers from insecurity in varying measures, and any attempt by you to fan it will only make her tell you someday to ‘go and date that friend’ only. Avoid.
1 ‘Have you gained weight?’: You already know this, don’t you? If there is one thing worse than putting a gun in your mouth and shooting your tongue off, it’s telling your woman that she’s gotten fat. Take it from me, no matter what age, race, nationality, caste or creed your girl is, the future of your relationship will depend on how less is the time gap between her asking ‘do I look fat in this dress’ and the answer ‘no’ flying out of your mouth. Even if the scales and your eyes tell you that she’s twice as big as she used to be, this is one truth no man is allowed to acknowledge. Ever.

Sonal Kalra forgot to add ‘you can never cook like my mom’ to the list. But you know it already, don’t you? Please help in putting together a list of ‘what never to say to your man’, for next week..

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A Calmer You: no instant reply equals instant stress

So, Sonal, I have a topic to suggest for your column,” said a usually reticent Divya in my team. “The other day I sent you a message asking if I could report a little late for work,” she went on. “And you didn’t reply for a few minutes. In those few minutes, I was horribly stressed that you are upset about something.”
Arrey, but I was busy with something and didn’t see your message immediately,’ I said. “Yeah, I know. But it does lead to tremendous stress if the boss doesn’t reply instantly,” she said. I joked with her about how she’s making me feel like a guilty boyfriend. And then I recalled a conversation I’d overheard in a restaurant just a day before.

technology-and-relationships
Would you stop judging me already? I don’t eavesdrop, the guys were too loud. Well, okay. I eavesdropped. But suno toh sahi, it was a damn interesting conversation.
Jaan le rakhi hai yaar Richa ne,” said one guy to his friend. “I love her and all that. But she’s constantly on my case if I’m not available online 24X7. She keeps a track of my last seen time on Whatsapp and gives me such grief if I’ve been online otherwise but haven’t responded to her message yet.” “Girls are like that only,” replied his genius friend, shaking his head.
Well, I don’t know if girls are like that, but technology surely is like that these days. Overwhelming, and overbearing. Before the instant messaging monsters invaded our civilisation, we were okay with not hearing from our loved ones all through the day. But in a bid to outdo each other, telecom companies have taken slogans like ‘stay connected’ too literally, and sadly so have we.
In the day and age when instant noodles and pre-mixed coffee is called a meal without blinking an eyelid, instant replies on SMSs, BBMs or Whatsapp have also become a measure of how much you care for the person on the other end.
And ironically it has become so justified to feel upset about why someone did not respond to our message immediately that the other person is left with no choice but to act guilty and defensive, without realising that there is no such rule in life that says you don’t care for the sender if you do not respond within 7 seconds of reading a message. Then there are BBM or Whatsapp groups where copy pasted jokes arrive from all directions at the speed of missiles and everyone in the group is supposed to ‘lol’ well in time to be safely considered a social animal.
In some ways, this stress of always being available also manifests itself in the way we respond to phone calls. You could have sat down to eat a meal, which by the way, still remains the primary thing you are living and working so hard for, and the phone rings. Immediately, the meal takes a backseat and you either get up to take a call or now since cell phones are almost appended to our bodies like an extended limb, you just take the call there and then.
If you don’t and there is an emotional loved one on the other side, your entire day can go in making amends. There is a colleague who starts most of his conversations with me by complaining about how I didn’t take his call the last time. Once I tried telling him politely that till the day I spend on buying a cell phone and pay its monthly bills, it’s I who will decide when to pick up a call, not the caller. He took truck loads of offence but thankfully the grumbling ceased for a while.
My point is simple. Technology is a facilitator, not the master of our life. If the state of our relationships is going to be dictated by the stress of how much we are making use of that technology, then we’ll only end up tying ourselves in knots. If you are one of those who happens to get all worked up about how your friend has not responded instantly to your message, consider this:
1. By getting constantly upset that your boyfriend isn’t responding to your messages at the speed of light, you are not showing love, you are showing insecurity.
2. Frequent display of insecurity will not make him come closer to you, it’ll make him Google for ways to hide his online status from you.
3. Hiding his online status just to maintain peace in the relationship is actually making him lie to you, something that he wouldn’t want to do if you were not this hyper about instant responses.
4. Lying in a relationship weakens its very foundation, further fuelling insecurity.
5. Finally, there is no proof to support the notion that relationships based on two people constantly connected to each other are stronger than those where each person gets space to breathe.
On the contrary, the latter may just be stronger since there’s no stress to lie or keep defending oneself.

Here’s some unsolicited gyan for Richa, jisne jaan le rakhi hai. Do remember that the definition of love got written ages before human beings learned to even spell technology. Don’t suddenly make advancements in technology the basis for a thing whose basis can only be trust, and nothing else. The day your boyfriend gets the confidence to say ‘I was chilling out with friends’ rather than saying, the phone was in the pocket and I didn’t hear the beep, he’d be in a much secure space in the relationship. And the day you learn to chill out with your own friends without being under the stress of checking your phone every second for his reply, you’d be in bliss too. Try toh karo.

Sonal Kalra has discovered that by simply blocking a contact for a few minutes and then unblocking them, you can effectively hide the ‘last seen’ time-stamp from whatsapp.
Also if you read a message on BBM and without touching the trackball or pressing any key you press the red, call disconnect key, you can read a message without the dreaded, R, appearing next to it.

Chalo, kuchh toh kaam ka seekha aaj.

"My Parents Just Dont Understand me" .. like .. really ?

Aeons have passed since the apparently ‘never going to end’ war between the not so modern parents and their so very inexperienced kids has been going on! Almost everyday I come across this topic, posts of children on social networking sites railing against their parents for not being modern enough to accept their child’s romantic relationship with someone else followed by the morose “Why me ?” and the melancholic “ My parents just don’t understand me” … I mean come on people they are YOUR PARENTS doing everything just for you and you harass all their concern with this “Why me?”

Kids Fight with parents relationship issues

Why ME” Revisited.

Just the other day a cousin of mine (13 years and 4 months old to be precise) almost on the verge of drowning in the lake of depression started telling me how her parents suspected her without any reason and kept a check on her phone without any fault of hers which yet again was followed by the morose “why me” ,and not to forget..the melancholic “My parents just don’t understand me” with such a deplorable expression that it actually made me go “ Ohh poor her ! How insensitive can parents be sometimes” when just the next minute with a current of exhilaration in her voice did she start telling me about her ‘boyfriend’ (oh yes and its the very boyfriend without any space or hyphen between the BOY and the FRIEND) , Mr Dude , and how she loved to spend time with her Mr Dude ! Oh come on … there you are … that is the very reason why you are in the “Why me” state.

Well i know all the youngsters out there must be snarling at me but just think .. think of the reason the elders tell us not to get involved in this stuff! I know how it feels for I’m not a fairy-tale princess either but I’ve grown up learning from my experiences as well. After all these years I can feel that I’m a better person bereft of all sorts of worries and tensions and not to forget , the fear of being ‘caught’ . Yes I’m just another teenager but more than that i am a person who learns from the experiences. And i definitely do not fall in with the sentence that one can learn from others’ experience , unless one is a total cheater cock , just like one’s thirst can never be quenched by seeing the other gulping down water! But all i intend to do is instil a thought in your brain which will coerce you to give it another thought .

Lessen The Burden!

The fact of the matter is that we are actually kids. Yes, kids switching over to adulthood, but not yet adults and this fact makes a mammoth of a difference. The thing is that when YOU actually become an adult, you’ll laugh at (or sometimes even regret) all this. Parents are somewhere actually right because it is the “happy times” we’d be missing on by involving in relationships.

The reality is that we actually can’t handle it because we aint mature enough ! Lucky those people are who are able to but as far as I’ve seen and the recent Confession pages on Facebook have shown, most cant . No wonder we see umpteen number of teens feeling depressed and OVERBURDENED because of this extra burden they carry which they aren’t even ready to carry!

The grim truth is not that the parents aren’t supportive but that you aren’t smart enough and it is but natural. You feel infatuated , you become friends, you get in a relationship , you do blunders , it finally ends up , you regret and are left with sheer bittersweet memories which attract you and sway you away. You end up sleeping on wet pillows, updating distressing statuses, becoming a mere hardboiled recluse. You end up disliking fun and finally become a humdrum person until you again come at the first infatuation stage and the cycle continues.So many heartbreaks, unfulfilled promises and nonsense done. But did you ever think how nice it would have been if you had limited it to just becoming friends. Then you would have been bereft of all kinds of fears and worries and would have even continued to be with that person instead of being ruefully separated like in your case! You would have been happy then. You would have felt free, no one to blame, nothing to regret. Now if you are not as flickering as the streetlight near my house, you would have got my point!

These years are the golden years of your life where you get a chance to be free and ENJOY because after that you will eventually have to face the vagaries of life. Why not just enjoy this freedom with no regrets and morose “Why Me”s . All you gotta do is be real and sensible and live the life which you’re meant to live. Love is a big word and if it is love, it doesn’t end so quickly.

However, since you can see that it mostly doesn’t ‘work out’ you should give it a thought that it is an imposter in the form of love, fooling you all the way long. The decision remains in your hand : to be or not to be a fool. For one thing we all know is that to find a 13-year-old , or even a 16-year-old for that matter, falling in “love” can sometimes be really hilarious but we all that once even we had gone through this stage. Life is all about choices you make .. so make better choices to make your life better! Stay Happy!

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Like Older Women to Marry?

I just read news about Bar Refali, a 26 year old Israeli supermodel who says she has a crush on 18 year teen popstar Justein Beiber and feels one day they will be getting married. This news reports on Page 4 of Hindustan Times and carries a photograph of the supermodel….( Man! She’s hot…!)

 

I really wonder why the relationship of an older girl and younger guy is looked upon with raised eyebrows, with certain amount of disapproval and insanity. I really don’t get the logic why the girl has to be younger than the boy in the so- called “ideal relationship model ’’ created by the society. Do these guys have any idea, how such a forced convention play havoc with the   love –life of many individuals around this world who don’t choose partners on the basis of freaking  conventions  forced  by this society? Also it kills the chances of our flirting with older girls! Dude that’s pathetic for us but I am sure you old –society guys don’t give a piece of mind to it. 

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bachpan se hume kaha gaya hai , ki jo humse bade hote hain, wo hamare bhaiya ya didi hote hain.”

………quoted by someone close

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Yup that’s right and it is something every one of us has come across many a times during our growing up. It happens that you are visiting your neighbor’s house and they already have guests, you come across this beautiful shy girl who’s watching you from the corner of her eyes but before you can even appreciate her beauty, yours  Not-So –Understanding (NSU) old uncle kicks in.

(NSU-UNCLE)-Astha beta!! Apne chote bhaiya se milo, ye humare padosh mein rehte hai… :P

[And then he scornfully looks at u….]

YOU: :(  🙁  🙁  :(.., Screw You!!!  Old penguin…!

And then all of a sudden the shy beautiful-chick takes form of an Irritating-Vintage-Sick-Aunty.

(Somebody has rightly said it’s all about paradigm and perception…poor guy!)

But, whatever the society feels. I think the old-girl and young-guy relationship rocks and it is as normal as any other relationship.( I can’t promise that if the girls happens to be taller than the guy..It really sucks then!!…  L

But Who wouldn’t want a more experienced, more caring, wiser partner…Whom you can trust and in the mean time you can enjoy your carefree self, because someone more matured is there to care for you. J

who will explain this to girls? Being in a relationship with a younger guy is like an insult to them (due to the virtue of rules set by society) Come On! Girls! Look at the Guy! Not his Age and think for yourself not for society… because it’s your life.

Poetically “Love has no boundaries, no religion, no age, no gender( it’s for my gay bros and lesbi sis.),……” and also “ love is blind” but The Problem is that lovers do know boundaries and they ain’t blind in most of the cases…so in the end we reach in a very perplex situation. But still I would like you to break boundaries, let the Magic of Love blind your eyes, be Stupid, Go Crazy… Maybe that’s what’s Love and Trust all about!!

(Again visiting your neighbor and meeting a new girl there)

YOU:   Namaste UNCLE!

NEW GIRL: Hii! :)

NSU UNCLE: Beta! Rishika apne bade bhaiya se milo ye humare pados mein rehtein hain!! :P

NEW GIRL: Oh… hello BHAIYA!

YOU: (slowly) This World sucks!! :(

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Maid is your new Mom

Perhaps the title does not sound new to you but surely depicts something that will touch you somewhere deep in your mind. While I recently visited a much famous mall in a metropolitan city, I took my child to the play corner. I stepped in with him as he is too young to play alone, I noticed that a majority of children were accompanied by their maids while their mothers were watching from outside. It was not the first time that I was seeing this but surely for the first time I felt this.

child-care-by-maid

In many homes both the parents work. And it is really good that women are becoming more and more aware of their money making potentials and are highly educated. But the point is at least when you are not in your office at least at that time the children deserve your attention. You are standing outside and guiding your maid to handle your child, isn’t it sounds like “outsourcing their work of sharing sweet moments with the child, being a part of his/her life, making them feel happy and secure” ?

I am not against working women, I just want to say that nothing in this world can replace parental attention. Slowly maids are taking up roles of parents.

Better income is does not ensure better quality of life

It would be very apt to say what I have stated above as behavior of children is a product of their environment. If children live with tolerance they turn tolerant, if with criticism, they learn to condemn. If you will praise them, they will learn to appreciate things and if you will teach them sharing, they will become generous.

Also children, when quite young, follow their caretakers, be it their real parents or are the paid ones. The norms and values of your child minders might not be suitable to you. But you do not pay your house help for instilling such values in your child, apart from exceptions; she is just a paid service for outsourcing your job of parenting.

[stextbox id=”black”]Your children need your presence more than your presents.  ~Jesse Jackson[/stextbox]

Problems of skill acquisition

The first three years of a child’s life are very crucial. Physical, cognitive, social and emotional learning is at peak during these crucial years of life. These are the years when rapid development of the brain occurs and any sort of behavioral abnormality can pose future problems in the acquisition of basic skills. How can you expect your maid do help your child in all these things when she herself is too young or is not educated?

Maids are the cheap economic options

Maids are quite economical options to look after the children as they also do additional work. Some mothers are dependent on them, right from the first morning shower of their baby at the time of putting them into bed.

Abstain yourself from creating an emotional void in your child’s life.

Above is a guest post submitted by Parul.

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