Tag Archives: Sulking

A Calmer You: do you wish your boss were dead?

‘Absolutely not,’ replied a horrified Neeraj when I asked him the question that’s the headline of today’s column. ‘I can’t wish death for someone, no matter how horrible he is,’ he said, and before I could feel proud that my friends belong to the human race, he added, ‘haan, saal mein 4-5 baar fracture ho jaye saale ka toh badiya.’ Hmmm, I’m back to questioning the kind of people I hang out with, but you please spare a moment for soul searching to see if you were secretly tempted to answer yes to the headline. Because a new research in the UK (I sometimes wonder how the British get time to do research amid worrying about life altering developments like the birth of a royal baby etc.) says that an overwhelming majority of people are sick of their bosses to the extent of wishing grave harm to them. Vaise, I’ve been unusually lucky in the boss department and by the way, so is my team, which has been suitably bribed or threatened to not dispute this claim. But I’ve seen a lot of people go through unimaginable stress at work because of a species who have the working title of bosses but are actually monsters from hell. Well, if you are a victim, take heart in two facts — one, you have company and two, there are always ways to deal with difficult people in life, and that includes bosses. Let’s first classify the devil that’s making your work life miserable.

A Calmer You do you wish your boss were dead

1. The Shirker: Hmm…this kind of a boss is rather common, but thankfully not very harmful. He doesn’t do much himself, and enjoys a comfy ride on the back of the mules he has around him. Ironically enough, such people also get promoted by some magic stroke of luck, leaving others to wonder if God’s promotion department software has some permanent virus. A typical hands-off person, he is quick to criticise when something goes wrong, and usually justifies his non-involvement by saying that he is ‘empowering’ his juniors. In most cases, this generosity of empowerment comes only because he has no clue or clarity in his head about what he wants out of his own life, let alone his team. No vision, no goal, and an uncanny ability to never own up to his team’s failure. That’s Mr Shirker for you. I call such a boss less harmful than other animals at workplace only because their laziness prevents them from turning vicious as long as their ego is not messed with. It’s best to enjoy their absence, keep doing the good work and being on generally friendly terms with such bosses. Let them feel happy by appearing to take credit for anything successful, but always remember that deep inside, people know who’s done all the work. Also, don’t forget that a useless person never enjoys an unbeaten innings – the good luck will run-out the day something changes on the top and they are held accountable for their performance. Wait and watch, with interest.

2. The Sulk: This boss, in his childhood, was the obnoxiously spoilt kid you see today lying flat on the floor of a shopping mall, throwing a massive tantrum because his mum is not buying him the seventh ice cream. He just likes to sulk, endlessly, over the smallest issues. I once had a boss, who wouldn’t respond to my good-morning greeting on the days he was sulking. Obviously enough, my mornings didn’t remain very good after that. A boss who sulks silently is often unsure of the validity of his or her displeasure with you. It’s best to help him come out of that mood by asking, not more than once, if you have something to do with what’s bothering him. If he chooses to not tell you, choose to assume it’s not you. Also, it’s best to not fuel mistrust in the minds of such bosses by having private conversations with colleagues, making them feel you could be conspiring against them. So no whispering and pausing a conversation the moment he passes by. Even if you were planning his surprise birthday party!

3. The Conqueror: Now we are inching towards the more harmful ones. A boss in the sulk mode is easier to handle, a boss in the hulk mode isn’t. This one’s all out to intimidate the daylights out of you. He bullies, he shouts, he swears. He won’t hesitate to throw you in front of the bus if it comes to saving his ass in front of the management. His strategy is to rob you of all your self-esteem, so you go home every evening feeling like a loser, no matter how hard you work. Dealing with this devil starts with the first, and the most important step of believing that the problem person in this situation is he, not you. And the next step is to counter an abusive behaviour with an irritating amount of calmness. Yes, you heard me right. Nothing rattles a violent, abusive drama queen more than his or her victim responding each time firmly, and calmly. If he abuses or shouts at you inappropriately in front of everyone, tell him clearly that you are not sure what this is about and would prefer to discuss this with him in detail, and in private. It’s tough to keep shouting when there’s a very formal, cold response from the other side. Send him a mail later, expressing ‘disappointment’ that you became a reason for him to lose his peace of mind, and ask him for suggestions on how not to be such a reason ever again. In all probability, you won’t get a reply. You won’t get abused either.

4. The Manipulator: This, according to me is the most harmful of the boss species. This guy devotes all his energies, to not learning his job, but the tricks of manipulation. A deeply insecure person, this kind of boss has the superhuman ability to play games to keep his team divided and fighting, so that no one’s left with any energy to notice his inadequacies. If the constant negativity is zapping you of your strength and spirit, it’s very easy for me to tell you to look for an alternate job. But then, when have I ever suggested easy routes to calmness? Here’s an opportunity for you to turn around an insecure, negative person into a positive, reassured one. The first step to dealing with such manipulative people is to somehow make it clear to them that you can see through their games, and that they don’t bother you enough to go into a panic mode. Half of their battle is lost if they can’t seem to rattle you. And you can make them lose the other half by involving them in your accomplishments. Even when — and especially when — they haven’t done much in a successful project, use the terms ‘our’, ‘we’ and ‘us’, instead of ‘I’, ‘me’ and ‘mine’ when informing them and others about your accomplishment. Show them that you have no interest in being a threat to them by being more popular or successful. Remember the golden rule of dealing with manipulators — consciously refuse to be their victim. The moment you take away their target, you take away their strength.

Sonal Kalra’s team just called her to check if another photo of a horrible boss was required in this write-up, since there’s a pic of hers anyway. Guess who all are getting fired tomorrow.

Today's Viral Video - Must Watch & Share. Subscribe to My YouTube Channel.

A calmer you: Help! My girlfriend is upset

Today's Viral Video - Must Watch & Share. Subscribe to My YouTube Channel.

Just two days after we all bowed down, or were made to, before the ‘fairer sex’ (totally meaningless term, by the way) in the name of International Women’s Day, I dedicate this week’s column to the hapless guys all over the world. Hapless — and I could’ve said helpless too — because of the sheer torture they sometimes suffer at the hands of the girls in their life. The trigger is this mail I got from Krishabh from Indore, the excerpts of which I’d like to share here. ‘My girlfriend gets upset @ 5 times a day. That’s the minimum. I love her and all that, but I feel all my energy just goes in manaoing her and saying sorry a million times. It’s another thing that mostly, I don’t even know what I’m saying sorry for. She sulks endlessly and doesn’t bother to tell me what has hurt her. She says if I love her, I should know. Please help, and don’t disclose my name.’ Well, Krishabh, I so wanted to respect your wish of staying anonymous, but not being able to ignore your attempts at jamming my inbox by sending this mail nine times in the last one week, I’m only adding another letter to your name. So technically, I’m not disclosing your identity but secretly hope this does its bit in shooting up your girlfriend’s ‘average’.

boyfriend-girlfriend-fight-a-calmer-you

That said, you have my full sympathies for trying to deal with a sulk. It is never easy to be with partners or spouses who decide to use the relationship as a platform to unleash negative behavioural traits, the worst of which is sulking. Also I wonder why people forget the ‘friend’ part the moment they turn into a ‘girlfriend’ or a ‘boyfriend’ to someone. You wouldn’t treat your friends with a perpetually long face because you know they’d leave you in an instant. Just because a boyfriend won’t, it doesn’t mean you take him for granted. In my opinion, someone who often gets upset without caring to even tell the reason doesn’t really deserve to be cared for too much anyway. But then Krishabh my dear, you clearly are in ‘love and all that’ with the sulking beauty and well, to each his own. Here’s what you could do….

[stextbox id=”info”]Boyfriends Girlfriends Fight – Calmness Tips on How to Deal with it[/stextbox]

1. Stop apologising: You are not doing yourself a favour if you are saying sorry to your partner all the time, especially when you don’t know what you are apologising for. Because if you don’t know, you’ll keep repeating whatever has hurt her in the first place. Always remember that uttering ‘sorry’ without meaning it, is worse than not apologising at all.

2. Don’t indulge tantrums: Whenever a person sulks too often, they are essentially trying to manipulate the relationship to make you feel responsible for their emotional immaturity. Encourage this behaviour and you’ll be digging your own grave. I know a guy whose girlfriend’s pet phrase in life is ‘I’m not talking to you’. I and his other friends would see her do that to him in public, and the more he responded with ‘Why honey, what have I done’, the more difficult it was becoming for all of us to look for places to throw up after this excessive display of mollycoddling. Until one day, we sat him down and told him what she was turning him into. He had to realise that him constantly giving into her tantrums was making her feel she was winning at it, and would make her repeat the behaviour far too often. It was not helping either of them, or the relationship in the long run. Next time she said it, he responded with, ‘okay. I’m here whenever you feel like talking.’ It wasn’t negative, and it did the trick. Indulging the excesses of a loved one is a nice gesture at times. But only at times.

 [stextbox id=”black”]It’s completely impossible to find someone who won’t ever hurt you, so go for someone who will make the pain worthwhile. – Author Unknown.[/stextbox]

3. Understand the gender bender: No matter how much we talk about equality in relationships, it is important for both genders to understand the inherent behavioural differences between males and females. Since this week’s column is primarily addressing the guys, let me tell them how a girl’s psyche works. They want conflicting things, and are often unclear themselves about what exactly they are looking for. They’d want attention, but would freak out and call you possessive when you’ll give too much of it. They’d like to be pampered but would behave with defiance when you’ll be at it. In a nutshell, girls are pretty messed up in the head, most of the times… and then there is PMS! But these unpredictable emotional swings may just be the endearing thing about them. Try and understand that, and you’ll sail through. The idea is not to take their mood swings personally and let them know that you are around to care if, when and in the amount that they would desire that care.

4. Talk it out: Oh well, girls love to talk. Didn’t you know that already? Every girl’s favourite and every guys most dreaded sentence in a relationship is ‘We need to talk’. So go ahead, do it for once if her behaviour is taking a toll on your mental health. Tell her it’s not pleasant to see a long face several times in a day and remind her that constant fighting leaves little time for expressing love, and she may just enjoy the latter more.

5. Love or leave: I’m not asking you to dump her. Well actually I am, but only if you are sure that it’s not possible for you to go on being with an ill-behaved adult-child. Rather than living with the guilt of ending a relationship, give her the choice of ‘love or leave’. Tell her you would like to give your relationship a genuine try, but not at the cost of their mood being in the driver’s seat all the time. It’s not too much to ask for, is it? And if you explain yourself clearly, and she still doesn’t get it, it’ll be time to ask yourself some serious questions. Remember, once the charm of a new relationship wears off, the negative traits in a person seem all the more starker. It’s important to sometimes step back and foresee that situation.

Sort your life out, Krishabh. Five times a day is a pretty horrifying average. Bring it down, or bring it all down. And hey, sorry about your identity. But I may just have helped you. Do write back. Not nine times.

Sonal Kalra can never become a relationship counsellor. She’ll keep advising people to break-up and keep losing clients. Hey, is there a job called break-up counsellor?

C’mon,out with it now, A calmer you [Feedback]

This column was published on 4/9/11 in HT City. Here is an excerpt;

“Arrey,why are you getting worked up? I know he has bigger, better causes to fight for, but trust me, this problem is lethal.Log munh bana lete hainaur batate nahi kya problem hai. Now tell me, is it any less stressful to cope with such stress-gifters?I normally don’t repeat a topic that’s already been discussed in this column but making an exception this time and taking up something I wrote about last year as well… because I continue to get mails from so many of you who are troubled on account of sulking, or the tendency of a person to withdraw and stay aloof. “

Read Full Column

sonal-kalra-calmer-you-tips-for-sulkers-feedback

Excellent column by Sonal giving calmness tips once again to so called sulkers or people who don’t share and keep quite mostly within themselves. These are really great tips which can help people come out and start sharing and caring. When we talk about such people or observe people who prefer to keep everything just within themselves, we will most often find different behavioural traits leading the people to such a stage. We can not rule out that there are people who must have got some really serious issues in their life which makes them turn into sulkers. But then, we will also find many who would sulk only to prove that their problem is bigger than everyone else.

Each one of us do face our share of problem and issues in life. But there comes a time when the problem become a bit out of control or unbearable, then we must look out to our friends and dear ones to seek solution. However, 25% of the solution of the most of the routine problems of life lies in just sharing which means if a person can really share the problem with someone he/she trust, then the rest of the solution seems quite easier. However, not everyone is able to realize that and instead of sharing, prefer to keep everything withing him/herself. This is when we see them depressed or hopeless most of the time.

It is also true that sometime the problem is so intense that person is just not able to share it inspite of wanting to share. I think, in such cases the close friends may have to go out of the way to help that person even if the person him/herself is not opening up or giving any clue. In these days on internet, it may even be easier because you can communicate with person via email, chat or whatever. Chances of the sulker’s opening up and sharing his problem via such channels is quite high as he/she is not bothered about going through the embarassment which would have been while sharing face to face.

C’mon,out with it now, A calmer you

Arrey,why are you getting worked up? I know he has bigger, better causes to fight for, but trust me, this problem is lethal. Log munh bana lete hainaur batate nahi kya problem hai. Now tell me, is it any less stressful to cope with such stress-gifters? I normally don’t repeat a topic that’s already been discussed in this column but making an exception this time and taking up something I wrote about last year as well… because I continue to get mails from so many of you who are troubled on account of sulking, or the tendency of a person to withdraw and stay aloof.

a calmer you column calmness tips for sulkers

It could be one of your friends or family members whose face and behaviour tells you that they are bothered about something but they won’t share. It could also be you who sulks often, and you don’t feel like opening up with anyone because you feel they won’t understand. Either way it causes tremendous stress.

[stextbox id=”info”]Calmness Tips for Sulkers (Avoid Sad and Depression Feelings)[/stextbox]

So, Anna Hazare or not, let us start our own campaign that of eradicating sulking from our country by 2050. Let us, please?

1. Remember, if you won’t tell, we’ll keep repeating:

If you suffer from this disorder (please lemme call it that, how can making a long face and not sharing your problem be normal?), the biggest disadvantage is that those who have done or said something to upset you won’t even know, and will continue to repeat the offence, knowingly or mostly, unintentionally. When in college, there was this guy, Sarfaraz Ahmed, who friends used to tease by calling Naraaz Ahmed. Because he would always be quiet and sulking. In order not to distress him with extra work when he was feeling low, classmates didn’t involve him much in presentations and activities. One day much later into the session, he confessed to a friend that he hated talking to anyone because he felt left-out. He thought that the city kids didn’t want to be friend a small town boy. It came as such a rude shock to us. If only he had said so earlier, we wouldn’t have got into this vicious circle and kept repeating what was, in fact, bothering him.

 [stextbox id=”alert”]When things didn’t go as your plan or back-up plan, don’t sulk. Make new plans! The sun doesn’t stop shining just because of dark clouds. – Author Unknown[/stextbox]


The same holds true, later in life, for sulking partners or spouses. If you won’t tell your girlfriend that something as silly as her wearing a certain dress upsets you because its too short (whether right or wrong is another highly debatable subject), she’ll happily continue to do it, while still fretting about why you don’t seem your usual self.
Then one day during some fight, you’ll end up saying nasty things that’ll hurt her forever. Just.Not.Fair. If you don’t like something, say it upfront. Then figure out how to deal with it.

2. We will ask only twice:

Dekho yaar, we want sulkers of the world to get one thing straight. If you seem upset, we will ask – once, twice. But if you’ll keep replying, ‘I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong’, we will take your word for it. And won’t keep asking again and again. Don’t you then turn around and cry, ‘no one cares for me’. Because we do, and we asked, but you chose to play the ‘all’s well’ false-card. So, deal with it.

3. It never hurts to speak up:

This one’s for those who prefer to go into a shell when something bothers them. See, the thing is, life’s already pretty short and we all know it.

I don’t think you should risk shortening it further by torturing your poor heart with all the mundane matters of life. Let it do its own work, pumping blood is no mean task. Every doctor in the world will tell you that not giving an outlet to your worries and tensions will make you mentally… and physically unwell. Problems are there in everyone’s life. If you think Mukesh Ambani or Shah Rukh Khan have a peaceful sleep every night, you, my dear, are a sweet innocent idiot.
(It’s another thing that if everyone has problems, I’d anyday prefer to cry sitting in Shah Rukh’s Rolls Royce than on an autorickshaw, but let’s not deviate from the subject).
I’m not saying become a crib machine and keep venting in front of everyone you meet, but surely you have someone in your life who won’t mind lending an ear. If you have money to spare, there are some who will charge for it and do it happily (you can mail me for my number, thanks).
If not even that, there are bartenders, barbers, maids who have no choice but to listen to your woes. Get it out of your system. Now. Don’t wait to share your troubles with the nurse at the hospital. She’ll give you a sleeping injection mid-way. Mind it.

Sonal Kalra is writing to the PM for an anti-sulking bill. All those good souls who will sign the petition,

 [stextbox id=”alert”]Being sad and sulking will get you no where, go out and do something about that shit forget that her because she doesn’t care, so why should you. Author Unknown[/stextbox]